


I Should Tell You

by enjolfrance



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Multi, Oh god so much Angst!, Other, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-30
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-06 22:38:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 33,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolfrance/pseuds/enjolfrance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Les Amis are a student group in modern New York city. For the most part everything seems fine, except their fearless leader is hiding an illness that will eventually claim his life. Little does he know their resident cynic is hiding the same disease.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Revelations

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a Rent crossover but has ended up with me picking the bits I want to use! I hope you enjoy it, I'm getting all of my E/R feelings out!

The protests had grown more than any of the group could have imagined with thousands of people marching on Wall Street.  
Their leader jumped up onto the bull that stood proudly in front of the intimidating buildings and began shouting his views for the entire crowd to hear. There were plenty of other speakers around but Enjolras always drew the most attention, his passion and determination made the people stop, but then it was his angelic looks that made them stare and his utter conviction that made them stay. Of course he was oblivious to the fact that it was his looks keeping some around long enough to hear what he was saying, they listened, and that was all he cared about.  
His friends stood around him beaming with pride as they looked out into the crowd that were drinking in Enjolras’ every word. Combeferre would start the roars that circled the crowd while Courfeyerac charmed a couple of girls to stay a little longer. Marius handed out flyers, keeping quiet, but supporting the group as much as he could while Joly made mental notes of how many diseases this many people could be spreading in such a small area.  
Grantaire stood down with the crowd; separated from the group, drink in hand. They were his friends but he had nothing to add. Occasionally he’d offer his drink to someone as a bribe, you get alcohol, I give Enjolras one more listener, but as he felt his bottle grow rapidly lighter he moved away from that idea very swiftly. The horrified look on Joly’s face every time he offered his bottle to a stranger also put him off the idea a little as his friend informed him of the multiple ailments he could have received from these strangers. He didn’t really care; he just didn’t want to hear anymore.  
The other reason Grantaire had situated himself down from the group was for viewing reasons. Standing directly below the bull he had the prime spot for gazing upon Enjolras, he could look up at their leader and watch him in awe while Enjolras played to the crowd, looking straight over Grantaires head and being blissfully unaware of his admiring gaze.  
The others noticed. It was impossible not to, well, unless you were Enjolras of course. They had teased him when they first noticed Grantaires affection towards their leader, but when they began to realise that it was more than a crush they laid off him a little. As the years passed by and Grantaires affections simply grew, while Enjolras’s insults mirrored them, the group began to feel sorry for him. Something the cynic hated. He didn’t need their pity, just their friendship, he knew Enjolras would never return his feelings and so every time the pang of love twisted in his chest he would down another mouthful of sweet alcohol to take away the burn of his feelings.  
He could have stayed and watched Enjolras speak for an eternity, at one point he even found himself getting carried away and cheering along with the crowd despite the fact he believed this protest would achieve nothing, and that everyone there was wasting their time. There was something about the fire in Enjolras’s eyes that sparked the possibility that maybe something could change, Grantaire thought if that ever happened their leader would be the one to make it.  
As the crowds dispersed the group retreated to their usual haunt, the Café Musain. It was a small organic café come bar that was run by one of Enjolras’s professors and his wife. Grantaire thought the alcohol was vile; he didn’t care if it was home made with the finest ingredients. It tasted horrible and didn’t even touch him thanks to his years of drinking. When he knew they’d be visiting, which was far too often, he’d stock up his multiple flasks and spike his alcohol with some real alcohol.  
“You realise bringing that corporate junk in here defeats the object entirely right?” Enjolras scalded as he watched the cynic.  
“Forgive me, I simply wish to feel the burn that only comes from chemicals and consumerism.” Grantaire responded with a sly grin gaining an eye roll in return.  
“Why do you tease him that way if you… you know?” Marius whispered, being genuinely confused at the situation.  
“Because, dear friend, he will never return my affection so I shall gain his attention in the only way I know how.” He gulped down some more of his organic beer trying to ignore the taste.  
“And what’s that?”  
“By repulsing him.” It was meant as a joke but the truth hit Grantaire a little too hard and with a sad smile he finished his drink before moving onto one of his flasks, not even trying to hide it this time.  
“Grantaire, you don’t repulse him.” Marius sighed, wishing there was something he could do for his friend.  
“What I’ve seen suggests otherwise, but think on it no more.” He patted Marius on the shoulder. “Excuse me dear friend.” Finishing the contents of his flask he exited the café for a cigarette, another thing that disgusted their leader.  
Taking a deep breath he relished the feeling, the rush of nicotine combining with his drunken haze. He leant on the wall letting his mind wander to wherever it wanted, which was usually straight to Enjolras. Smiling a little he remembered the near glow that radiated from him today as he managed to move thousands, the glow that had disappeared from the man that now exited the musain.  
Pushing back against the wall he watched silently as Enjolras coughed violently before pulling out a bottle of pills and downing a couple. Grantaire physically felt his chest restrict with worry.  
“Are you sick?” He wasn’t sure if he had said it aloud or if his thoughts were becoming too loud again. The look of surprise on Enjolras’ face answered his question.  
“No. They’re vitamins.” He fought to suppress another cough, setting his jaw in defiance.  
“Okay, why come outside to take them?” Grantaire dropped his cigarette stub and ground it out, moving slowly towards the other man.  
“I, they’re not organic so I didn’t want to offend the owners.”   
“Oh Enjolras, non organic produce I’m disappointed in you. Here I was thinking you were the perfect picture of healthy living.”  
“You’re hardly one to talk drunkard. With the alcohol and cigarettes I’m surprised you’re still around to cause problems.” Enjolras scowled at him, his blue eyes piercing through Grantaire in a way he wished he could deal with, instead his words stung and left him speechless for a moment too long.  
“The way I’m going I won’t be around much longer to cause you trouble, oh great leader.” He bowed a little cursing when his azt beeper pierced the silence.  
“Is that..?” Enjolras began. Grantaire swallowed hard debating whether to lie or not. He had managed to keep his illness hidden from his friends, not wanting them to know he was living on borrowed time. He didn’t want their pity, or to treat him any differently from anyone else.  
“No it’s my phone I must have a message.” Grantaire bit his lip.  
“Okay, what did you think I was going to ask?” Enjolras coaxed.  
“If it was my az… oh.” Grantaire stopped, realising he had just admitted it anyway. “That wasn’t fair you know I’m not one hundred percent sober.”  
“When are you ever?” Enjolras cut in. Grantaire nodded in agreement looking at his shoes to avoid seeing his expression. “Grantaire.” Enjolras said softly causing him to look up in shock. Had he imagined that? Was Enjolras capable of sounding so sweet?  
Grantaire looked confused as Enjolras held out his hand, his bottle of pills facing up towards the cynic.  
“No.” Grantaire gasped. Not his Enjolras, he could understand a waste of space like himself getting this disease, he had nothing to give and no reason to stay, but Enjolras had so much in his future. More than ever he hated his disease, it wasn’t fair, but he already knew that.  
“I won’t say a word as long as you don’t. I’ll loose all my leadership skills if they think I’m weak in any way.” For the first time he saw a flash of worry in Enjolras’ eyes striking him dumb. All he could do is nod slowly as he watched his great leader smarten himself up, set his jaw and return into the café, leaving Grantaire outside to process everything that had just happened.


	2. A Friendly Drink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Les Amis are a student group in modern New York city. For the most part everything seems fine, except their fearless leader is hiding an illness that will eventually claim his life. Little does he know their resident cynic is hiding the same disease and after the previous nights revelations an unlikely friendship begins.

“Where did you disappear to last night?” Courfeyrac poked Grantaire’s shoulder surprisingly upbeat for someone who had been so drunk Feuilly had to carry him home.  
“I was tired, decided to come home for some real alcohol.” He replied pouring some whiskey into his coffee.  
“You could have let us know. Enjolras said you thought you were drunk enough, of course none of us believed him but he was acting weird when he came back anyway so…” Courfeyrac carried on talking while Grantaire rubbed his temples and drowned him out. He loved his friend, but sometimes he just didn’t know when to stop talking, now one was of those times.  
“Courf, I’m gonna go to class okay?” He stood up, wobbling a little. After he’d left the café he had returned home and managed to consume another two bottles of whiskey to try and forget the fact his Enjolras was dying, before passing out on his floor. This morning he was definitely feeling the effects and without waiting for a reply he stepped out into the cool October air.  
Class went by a lot quicker than he had expected with all the images he’d been harbouring spilling out onto his canvas through his brush. It felt good, next to alcohol this was the best release he had. Just letting all his worries explode onto the paper where he could leave them and move on with what was left of his life.  
Once again the cold air hit him as he went outside and he pulled his beanie over his mass of black curls, keeping his head down, walking smack into Enjolras.  
“Apologies.” Grantaire bowed again, keeping his eyes fixed on anything but the object of his affection.  
“It was partly my fault too, and please stop bowing. Despite the way I may act I consider you my equal Grantaire.” He shivered pulling his coat tighter.  
“So now you know I’m ill I suddenly move up a notch? This is why I have told no one, I don’t want your sympathy or your forced kindness please treat me as horribly as you have done for five years.” Grantaire didn’t mean to be so harsh but noticing the slight tremble of Enjolras’s hand and the paleness that he had once thought was luminescent now becoming sickly caused his insides to twist in ways he had never felt.  
“I have always thought you to be my equal.” Grantaire could hear him forcing back his anger, making sure his words came out softer than they usually would. He could even feel his gaze, imagining Enjolras fighting to keep the look of disdain from his eyes. “And I understand you wanting to be treated as normal, I also thought… perhaps…” He stopped; for once the right words would not show themselves.  
“Go on.” Finally Grantaire forced himself to look at Enjolras regretting it immediately as he noted the black shadows under his eyes, more pronounced than usual. God he needed a drink.  
“Perhaps we could talk. Rather than simply snap at one another maybe in light of recent discoveries we could support one another.”  
Grantaire was once again struck dumb. Here was the untouchable, his marble lover of liberty suggesting they support each other? He couldn’t imagine any situation in which Enjolras would need his help in any way. He was useless. There was nothing he could give this man. It would be nice to speak to him though.  
“Okay.” Was all he could choke out.  
“How about we go to the Musain?”  
Grantaire groaned, right now herbal tea and seeds and whatever other junk they tried to pass as food was the last thing he wanted. He wanted a nice strong glass of something over ice.  
“Fine. Your choice.” Enjolras sighed.  
“You sure?” Grantaire beamed as the other man nodded before leading him to his favourite bar just off campus. “Before you ask, nothing is organic, or home made and I’m ordering for you.” He wasn’t sure where it came from but he felt the need to introduce Enjolras to the world of hard liqueur. He looked like he needed a good drink, maybe Brandy to warm him up a little.  
They found a table in the corner and Grantaire watched as Enjolras sipped his drink, pulling a face after each taste.  
“It’s not that bad.” He giggled taking a gulp of his.  
“I beg to differ, can you even taste it anymore?” Enjolras set his glass down; pulling his sleeves over his hands to warm them after the icy drink had made them numb.  
“Yes, once you get used to it you actually begin to notice the subtleties of the drink.” He smiled swirling his glass and sticking up his nose, before putting on the snottiest voice he could. “Mmmm, woody, with a hint of caramel and a slight dash of nut.” He wafted the drink under his nose giggling a little, watching as Enjolras genuinely laughed at him. Not a smirk, an actual laugh.  
It was beautiful. His curls fell around his eyes as he tipped his head down slightly, tiny lines forming around them as they looked up at Grantaire sparkling. He had to forcibly stop himself from sighing at such a sight.  
“All I get is a burning sensation.”  
“That’s got nothing to do with the alcohol my friend.” Grantaire smirked getting an eye roll in return. Except this time it was coupled with a slight smile and a warmness in his eyes.  
“I guess I walked into that one.” Enjolras admitted. “Have you really told no one Grantaire?”  
The sound of his name being said so softly in that voice would be something he would replay for the rest of his days.  
“No one, I didn’t see the point. No one would notice and I’m not worth a damn so why make people feel uncomfortable?” Biting his lip he looked away from Enjolras, beginning to pick the dried paint off his fingers.  
Enjolras didn’t know what to say, he couldn’t believe this was how Grantaire felt and he hadn’t exactly helped. For so many years he had simply shot down this man not giving him the time of day, why should he? He was a drunk and didn’t believe in what they were fighting for, but he was also a friend, or at least he hoped so, for even if Enjolras had ignored him in meetings he knew he cared deeply about this man, perhaps more than he should.  
“You really feel that way?” He watched as Grantaire nodded, a small smile flashing across his face. “People would notice, I would notice. Who would be there to pick holes in my beliefs?” Grantaire laughed. It was the opposite of Enjolras’s. Where as he had hung his head, hiding the emotion, keeping his mouth to a smile and his eyes open. Grantaire threw his head back; eyes squeezed shut and his mouth open as a loud laugh escaped it.  
It was beautiful. Grantaire looked so care free, his jet black curls bouncing as he shook with laughter, his eyes, watery from laughing, looked even brighter than usual as they looked straight at him, the contrast against his hair making him a remarkable sight. How had Enjolras been so blind?


	3. Fighting the Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As winter rears it head Enjolras and Grantaire share a tender moment to keep away the chill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my goodness thank you so much for all the Kudos! I really appreciate it. I hope you enjoy the chapter x

When they arrived at the Musain together than night, Enjolras obviously a little tipsy, the group could do nothing but stare in confusion.  
“Enjolras, are you drunk?” Combeferre was shocked, he had never seen their leader even close to tipsy.  
“No, Grantaire introduced me to Brandy and it’s taking me a moment to adjust to its effects.” His words weren’t slurred, but they weren’t as eloquent as usual either. At this revelation all eyes shot to Grantaire who could do nothing but shrug and flash a small smile of admittance.  
“Of course… because nothing about that is out of the ordinary.” Combeferre eyed the pair suspiciously before shrugging. “At least you’re not fighting anymore.” As he patted Enjolras on the back and pulled out their plans everyone else took it as a sign to move on too.  
“So the protests weren’t as successful as we’d hoped they’d be.” Enjolras started. “While we gained plenty of coverage, all over the world might I add.” He paused as his friends cheered. “It did little to actually start any changes. I think we need a new approach, something to make those politicians stand up and take notice of us, after all, there are many more of us than there are them, maybe we can use that, intimidate them a little. Make them notice us!” Looking around the room at his friends hopeful faces, seeing new ideas flicker through their eyes he felt a swell of pride. He had set the ball rolling, now they could discuss as a group.  
“Maybe we could do a petition?” Marius suggested.  
“That won’t scare them it’s a piece of paper!” Feuilly piped up.  
“It’s peaceful though.” Marius replied.  
The group flew into a heated discussion; do they keep their tactics peaceful? Or would violence make the government notice them more? If they were violent would that create a bad name for them and actually harm their cause?   
All the while Grantaire sat in his usual spot drinking and observing. He had tried to keep Enjolras on his pedestal, an untouchable leader sent from the Gods who looked as if he were carved from marble, but the stone was starting to crumble and reveal something Grantaire had never thought of, a human being. Someone vulnerable to disease, who could die, and would die. Much sooner than he should.  
His insides twisted as he watched Enjolras cough violently, brushing it off as a cold. It was unusually cold this Fall but Grantaire knew all to well that it was more than that, he also knew if Enjolras kept brushing it off it would only get worse, he needed to sort it out now.  
Sat in his corner he thought himself invisible and so pulled out his pills to accompany a large gulp of tonight’s choice of alcohol, vodka. While swallowing them down he didn’t notice Joly’s gaze flicker to the orange bottle.  
“Are you okay Grantaire?” He asked quietly, so not to cause a scene.  
“Fine. Just getting over the flu.” He smiled hiding his pills.  
“You haven’t had the flu, you’re not taking illegal drugs are you? I don’t lecture you on your drinking, or smoking but drugs are too far Grantaire, do you not value your life at all?” Joly asked the question already knowing the answer.  
“No, and they’re not illegal they’re prescription Joly just don’t worry okay. Go back to your planning, or Bossuet. He’s been obscene with you tonight my friend.” Grantaire smiled waving at Bossuet who was eyeing Joly with the nature of a man denied contact for years, when in fact it had probably only been a couple of hours, especially as Musichetta was back in town for the week. Joly giggled, his brilliant smile returning.  
“He hasn’t exactly been subtle, true. Look if you need to talk you know where I am.” He squeezed Grantaires shoulder as he stood.  
“Yeah in bed with your lovers, was that an invitation?” If there was one thing Grantaire knew, it was how to deflect unwanted attention.  
“Grantaire! No, I love you, just not in that way.” Joly kissed his cheek.  
“Drat! I thought I’d finally made it.” Grantaire smiled before returning to his drink, watching Joly place himself on Bossuet’s lap.  
During his conversation Grantaire had failed to notice Enjolras leave, quietly he stood to try and find him without the others noticing.  
Enjolras was leant on the wall outside, his eyes closed as he calmed his breathing after another round of coughing. In his rush to leave and hide his illness he had failed to bring a coat and his entire body shook from the cold. He jumped as a hand was placed gently on his shoulder. Opening his eyes he saw Grantaire stood in front of him, his jacket in hand.  
“Don’t argue.” He said quietly draping it over Enjolras’ shoulders. It was still warm from Grantaire and any thought of rejecting the offer disappeared as he pulled it around him.  
“Thank you.” Pulling the jacket around his neck he caught Grantaires scent, it wasn’t as vile as Enjolras had expected, due to his friends smoking and drinking habits. Instead they had mixed into a musky smell that Enjolras had to force himself not to inhale deeply.  
“You can’t keep running outside every time you need to cough. They’ll start to notice eventually.”   
“I know.” Enjolras sighed. “But I want them to treat me normally for as long as possible. I haven’t had any questions yet, so until that happens I won’t inform them.” He had spent a long time wondering how to break the news to his friends. He knew that it would become glaringly obvious at some point, but he had decided that until his friends questioned his health he would stay quiet and act as if everything was fine.  
Grantaire nodded, watching as Enjolras slowly stopped trembling. He wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around him and hold him close, but that was not an option.  
“What about you?”   
“What about me?” Grantaire had to snap his thoughts back, away from any idea of the feeling of Enjolras pressed against him.  
“Are you going to tell them?”  
“Nope.” Grantaire had spent considerably less time thinking about this. He would say nothing, if people asked he was just a little sick, and when he did eventually die people would assume it was from drink, or smoking, or whatever else Grantaire had gone and got himself into. That was if they even noticed.  
“Grantaire.” Enjolras sighed, watching as the other man bit his lip. He tried to find the words but anything he thought of sounded hypocritical. He couldn’t force him to tell anyone when he was hiding it too. “Fine.” He paused, trying to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. “If you need anything, I’m here for you.”   
Grantaire was once again struck dumb, this was happening far too often for his liking. He searched Enjolras’ face, to see if there were any signs of him joking. But he looked utterly sincere.  
“That’s if you’re not busy with another protest, or petition, or marching to Washington.” He smirked, seeing Enjolras move to argue. “I’m kidding… Thank you. And look the same to you. God knows how I could ever be any help to anyone but I will damn well try.” The last part had meant to be something he kept in his head, but the drink had once again loosened his tongue.  
“You’re more help than you know.” Enjolras placed his hand gently on Grantaires arm, running his fingers over the fabric. Despite Enjolras being freezing his hand felt like fire on Grantaires skin and he couldn’t hold back any longer. He threw his arms around Enjolras pulling him close, he could almost feel his heart leap out of him at the feel of Enjolras placing his hands gently on his chest, curling into the heat.   
After a few seconds he hadn’t been pushed away and Enjolras had actually moved closer to him. Slowly he let his head rest on Enjolras’ shoulder, the blonde curls falling onto his face softly. Grantaire was in heaven.  
Enjolras wasn’t sure if he was hesitant to move due to the heat, his whole body felt as though he were stood next to a fire, warming him to his bones, or if he was enjoying being embraced. It didn’t happen often; in fact he couldn’t remember anyone ever holding him in this way. He felt safe in Grantaires arms.  
Combeferre had agreed to find out where their leader had disappeared. They had questions, and ideas to run by him. He was not expecting to walk out to the scene now in front of him. Stopping dead in his tracks he watched as Enjolras moved closer to the cynic, his hands twisted into Grantaires shirt. While the drunk had his head nuzzled into the side of their leaders neck, his golden curls falling and joining the black of Grantaires.   
In a million years he had never imagined seeing them together in this way, and yet as he gazed upon the pair, completely oblivious to the rest of the world, it looked right. As if this was how things were meant to be.


	4. Someone I don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjolras has been cooped up during his exam period but once it's over and he still doesn't surface Grantaire decides to investigate, and doesn't like what he discovers. So he decides to take matters into his own hands, whether Enjolras likes it or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got a bit carried away in this chapter so it's a bit longer than I originally intended, but I think you'll enjoy where I finally get to. Or at least I hope you do! And again thank you so much for the kudos, bookmarks and even a comment! It means so much that you're enjoying my writing xx

An uneventful month passed by after Combeferre explained that the pair were arguing outside, something everyone could believe.  
The pair in question had actually managed to go without arguing since that night, although that was due to the fact that they hadn’t seen each other. Enjolras had taken to locking himself in his room to study for the exam he had easily passed the previous day. Grantaire left him to it, but when Enjolras had failed to appear after his exam the group began the barrage of texts asking him to come out. They all got the same reply, “Wiped out from the exam, see you soon.”  
The group assumed their leader had barely slept in the run up to the big day, something he had been known to do during exam periods, and so didn’t question his reply. Grantaire decided to dig a little deeper and potentially annoy Enjolras. But then, only Grantaire knew what he was hiding.  
Knocking gently on the door he waited for a reply brushing the snowflakes from his hair. No one answered. Knocking again he pressed his ear against the door, there was a slight shuffling noise coming from inside, so at least he was alive. Just avoiding people.  
“Enjolras it’s me is everything okay?” Despite their heart to heart Grantaire still wondered if letting the wonderful man inside know it was him, would entice him to open the door, or make him hide even more.  
“Everything’s fine Grantaire I just want to rest a little.” Enjolras called out, his voice huskier than usual.  
“Well can I see you to make sure? Then I’ll go I promise.” Depending on how bad you look, he added as an after thought, being careful to keep it just a thought this time around. He waited for a reply and after a few moments heard a sigh and more shuffling.  
Enjolras opened the door just a little, enough for Grantaire to see a slither of his face.  
“There you go, you can see I’m alive, now you can go.” As he went to shut the door Grantaire shoved his foot into the gap.  
“Come on, really? You think that will get rid of me? I know it’s been a month but you can’t have forgotten how annoying I am surely.” Grantaire smiled pushing the door open his face dropping when he saw the man in front of him fully. “Enjolras.” He gasped.  
“See this, that.” He motioned to Grantaires face. “Is exactly why I didn’t come out tonight… or any other night. I don’t want that response.” Defensively he pulled the blanket draped over his shoulders around him.  
Grantaire couldn’t help it, he tried to force a somewhat normal expression onto his face but he felt as if his heart was shattering. His idol was barely recognisable. He had lost so much weight, making his once attractive bone structure look too harsh, combined with the paleness of his skin and bags which looked more like bruises they were so dark Enjolras looked one step away from death.  
“You need help.” Grantaire choked out. He could barely stand seeing the man he loved like this, but he definitely couldn’t bear leaving him.  
“No. Absolutely not.” As stubborn as ever Enjolras crossed his arms.  
“Then at least let me help you, please.” His voice broke as tears threatened to spill. Why wasn’t this happening to him instead of Enjolras? He looked practically glowing next to the shadow of his friend. It should have been Grantaire that was fading away too quickly not Enjolras, he had so much left to do, so many things to change, hearts to break, there would be another hundred drooling people like Grantaire, but no one else like him.  
Enjolras opened his mouth to protest but something about the desperateness in Grantaire’s voice made him stop. “Okay.” He replied quietly, more for the other mans benefit than his.  
“Thank you.” Grantaire sighed. “Okay you go back to bed, get into something comfortable and I’ll be through in a bit. No reading, no studying, nothing. If you must do something put on one of those classical CD’s quietly. You’re going to relax.” He hadn’t looked after anyone for years but that didn’t matter. He knew what Enjolras needed and that was some down time.  
Grantaire watched Enjolras retreat to his bedroom before heading to the kitchen and cooking up a huge batch of his Mum’s chicken noodle soup recipe, saving some to store for a later date. Once it was done he loaded up a tray with the soup, some bread, a glass of orange juice (no bits, the way Enjolras liked it,) green tea and Enjolras’s favourite chocolate bar he had found stashed away in a cupboard.  
“Something smells surprisingly good.” Enjolras commented as Grantaire entered the room. As instructed he was lay on his bed, eyes closed listening to some Mozart. As he opened his eyes a look of shock spread over his face. “Did you do all of that, or is Marius out there with you?” Sitting up he looked down at the tray that had been placed on his lap.  
“Before sending me out into the world my mother taught me how to look after myself… doesn’t mean I do it but the knowledge is there for when it’s needed.” He smiled at Enjolras sitting on the edge of the bed as the other man studied him.  
“What? Do I have something wrong with me?” Grantaire looked at his clothes to see if anything was out of place, or messy.  
“Well yes, plenty.” Enjolras smiled slightly. “I’m just surprised by you. It keeps happening.” He paused biting his lip a little, an image Grantaire wanted to burn into his retinas for eternity. “I think I was very wrong about you Grantaire.”  
“You were spot on from what I heard, drunk, useless, worthless, hopeless…” He opened his mouth to carry on his never-ending list of reasons why Grantaire doesn’t deserve to carry on living.  
“Stop! I can’t deny you’re a drunk and a cynic, but you are far from useless and you are worth so much more than you know.” As an act of sincerity and comfort Enjolras placed his hand gently on Grantaires sending sparks throughout both men.  
“Well you’re so ill you’ve become delirious! It’s worse than I thought. Eat up before it goes cold.” He flashed his usual smirk, which faded quickly. He couldn’t believe a word Enjolras had said. He was perfect, smart, passionate, beautiful and so much more than Grantaire would ever be. Everything he had said was obviously out of pity.  
“I’ll leave you to finish, if you need anything else I’ll be in the kitchen.”  
“Can’t you stay?” Enjolras grabbed Grantaires arm looking up at him with his brilliant blue eyes that he knew the other man wouldn’t say no to. It may have been selfish, but he had missed his friends.  
“Okay.”  
Enjolras watched as Grantaire kicked off his shoes and sat next to him. For someone who was supposedly so passionate about people’s rights he had been very quick to dismiss Grantaire. There was just something about him that was so infuriating, his lack of interest in anything but his damn bottle and a woman. Except, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually seen Grantaire with anyone.  
He had been loyal, more so than any of his other friends for he had been civil, pleasant to them and completely vile towards Grantaire yet he came back for every meeting with a smile on his face. He was smart, always pointing out something that Enjolras had missed when getting swept up in whatever campaign they were on. Despite the alcohol he was quick, never one to miss a beat and he was obviously very caring. There was an entire person that Enjolras knew nothing about, and had never taken the time to find out about. Better late than never, he thought.  
“Do you talk to your Mum often then?”  
“Uh no. She’s dead. Before you say sorry it’s fine. She was in a lot of pain so it was kind of a relief when she was finally at peace and it was years ago. It’s fine now.” Grantaire rambled while waving it off, he hadn’t had nearly enough alcohol to get into this and stay emotionally detached.  
“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?”  
“Cancer. Apparently my family is rather fond of terminal illnesses.” He hadn’t thought about his Mum’s illness since her passing. It had been a relief that she wasn’t in agony, but it had caused him a great deal of pain and he missed her every single day. That was when the drinking started.  
“You don’t have to make everything into a joke Grantaire. It’s okay to be upset, to feel something.”  
“I have done a very good job of not feeling a thing for the past four years, I’m not about to start now.”  
“Wait. She died when you were coming to meetings?” Enjolras was stunned. “Did anyone know? Why didn’t you say something?”  
“Because you already hated me and I couldn’t deal with everyone feeling sorry for me, the same way you feel now. I just couldn’t… I didn’t…” He had to stop and fight back his tears. Enjolras didn’t push him; instead he placed a supportive arm around his shoulders.  
“Because I wanted to go with her.” He finally managed to choke out. “She was the only thing that kept me going and when she was gone I had nothing. My sister was on the other side of the country living a happy life I would never burden her with any of this and so I drank. I figured if I hid my feelings all together they might go away. They did, eventually and she was none the wiser to my death wish. Please don’t hate me.” All those years of pushing everything away had been undone in minutes and with huge watery blue eyes he looked up at Enjolras.  
“Oh Grantaire.” Enjolras sighed pulling him close. “The only person I hate right now is myself. If I had only known, you could have talked to us.”  
“No, if you had only known you would have treated me differently. I didn’t want that I wanted to pretend nothing had happened.” He wiped away a stray tear.  
“You wanted to die and I called you worthless!” He took a deep breath to calm himself. “I am so sorry Grantaire. For not being the friend you have needed.”  
Grantaire shrugged. “It’s okay.” Looking up he forced a smile. This wasn’t why he had come, he was meant to be looking after Enjolras, not the other way around. As the position he was in finally clicked in his mind he found that he didn’t mind as much that the tables had turned. He was curled up into Enjolras’s side, with his idols arm wrapped tightly around him, his other hand linked with Grantaires. As he looked up he could feel Enjolras’ breath on his nose and he froze.  
He had never been this close to his love before. He had dreamed of it, so many times, but it was actually happening now.  
They sat just looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity, searching each other’s eyes for so many things that had gone unsaid for years. Grantaire searched for something funny to say to break the silence but as he inhaled to speak Enjolras leant down and gently placed his lips on Grantaires.  
His eyes widened. It was actually happening! Wait, had he leant up and kissed him without realising? Was this a really bad idea? His thoughts flew in every direction before slamming to a halt just in time.  
Enjolras kissed you.  
His eyes fluttered closed as a smile grew and he weaved his hand into the blonde curls. He was in heaven, had he actually died making the soup? Had this all been a dream? Was he going to wake up any second? He didn’t care, in that moment he was happier than he had been for years. He was kissing the man he loved.


	5. It was only a Kiss

Grantaire leant his forehead against Enjolras’ not wanting to loose this closeness he had yearned for, for so long. Keeping his eyes closed he let every sensation, every feeling settle into his memory. The way Enjolras had buried his hand into his dark curls, the light touch of his other hand resting against his cheek. The slight rub of his stubble against Grantaires chin, a complete contrast to the softness of his lips.   
How he had moved into Grantaires touch when he placed his hands on his chest, and wasted no time in closing the gap between them when Grantaires hands snaked around his back so they were pressed against each other.  
The little noises he had made, the gasps, the moans. It had almost been too much, even in his wildest dreams he would never imagine Enjolras sounding so wanting.  
As Enjolras moved away a whimper escaped his lips.  
“I’m just moving the tray, don’t panic.” His voice somehow managed to be low, full of lust, and softer than Grantaire had ever heard and it was driving him crazy. Finally he opened his eyes to look at his idol, his lips red and swollen from their activities.  
Enjolras smiled, chuckling slightly.  
“You’re quite a picture.” He examined the cynic. His usually wild hair was sticking in every direction after Enjolras had played with it through the entire kissing session, his lips were also red, in fact his entire face was flushed and his eyes bright and something else, he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. An expression he had never seen him wear before. He continued to watch as Grantaire rubbed the back of his neck and bit his lip, then it hit him.  
Innocence.   
There was innocence behind his eyes as if he was experiencing everything for the first time. Which of course was impossible. Wasn’t it?  
“You have done this before haven’t you?” Enjolras worried he had assumed too much of Grantaire and moved far too quickly.  
“What? Kiss someone? Of course I have how do you think I ended up like this?”   
“Of course, you just looked…” He knew if he said innocent Grantaire would never let him live it down.  
“Bewildered? Dumbfounded? Completely and utterly unable to comprehend what just happened?” Grantaire offered.  
“Sort of, more like you’d never done it before.”  
“I have. But I’ve never been in love with the person I’ve done it with.” He rambled again before stopping dead when he realised what he’d just admitted. His eyes widened to an almost impossible size while his mouth opened and closed in an effort to back track as quickly as he could. His mind betrayed him going completely blank.  
“You’re in love with me? How? It was just a kiss.” Enjolras had never been in love, never experienced it. Could one kiss really change someone’s mind that fast?  
“It wasn’t the kiss you idiot I’ve been in love with you for years.” In for a penny, in for a pound he thought, imagining his brain actually shrugging with a ‘what the hell’ expression. “I won’t say it was love at first sight, I don’t believe in it, but it was pretty damn quick.”  
“But you like girls, you dated girls, how can you love me?” He was trying to understand but nothing seemed to be clicking together. Grantaire sighed.  
“I dated girls so no one would realise I was gay, I even tried sleeping with one once and she left me a note saying ‘We’ve got aids’ before killing herself so I didn’t date anyone else. Figured that was as good an excuse as any to just give up.” The innocence had gone. Enjolras could almost see the sarcastic, defensive wall go up as Grantaire spoke.  
“Grantaire that’s awful, no wonder you drink.” The pieces started fitting together, how he suddenly stopped being so flirtatious, how the seemingly endless stream of girls halted, how the spark behind his eyes and his comebacks was extinguished completely, how he had drunk more and more with each passing meeting and how Enjolras had simply thrown harsher insults, pushed him further away. He was never one for wanting a do over but at that moment he wished, harder than he ever had, that he could go back and make things right with Grantaire. He was pulled out of his thoughts as the brunette snorted loudly.  
“After years of condemning my actions that’s all it takes to change your mind? Maybe I should have tried it earlier.”   
“It was a huge confession, have you told anyone else? Ever?” He didn’t know what made him do it but his hand reached up to stroke Grantaires cheek gently before resting there. Grantaire half shook his head, half nuzzled into the warmth happy to have some contact again. “Why are you telling me?” Enjolras couldn’t stop the question. It had made itself known during the stories of his mother and now it was screaming in every corner of his mind.  
“Because you asked. No one else has cared enough to.” The innocence returned making him look more vulnerable than ever. He had poured his soul to Enjolras and there was every chance he could turn around and reject him.  
“I care.” He cupped Grantaires face in both hands now, he wasn’t lying, he wanted to make sure he got that across, as he wasn’t sure how the words were going to come out. “I think I always have but you were so annoying” Grantaire smiled a little. “And distant, I have realised I knew nothing about you. I want to change that. I don’t know how this works. I don’t think I’m in love with you but I don’t know! I don’t know how it feels I just know I want to be with you and it’s awful that I’ve only realised this recently, and it only started with the fact you kept my secret so well and understood, and then at the bar something changed I don’t know what, it was like…”   
Enjolras was cut off as Grantaire crashed their lips together. It was the opposite of their previous tender and slow kiss, it was hungry and almost desperate. It didn’t change the fact that both men instantly seemed to melt into one and they moved together.  
“You don’t have to love me.” Grantaire panted as he broke the kiss for a second. “I have never dreamed of you returning my affections, I know I don’t deserve them. This is more than enough for me.”  
“It shouldn’t be, you deserve more.” He kissed Grantaires cheek softly, then the other one before moving along his jaw slowly and finishing by placing the most tender kiss on his lips. “You deserve love.” He whispered, his lips brushing Grantaires.


	6. Les Amis

Despite their leaders absence the group had still decided to meet every week as usual. Originally they had intended to carry on with Enjolras’s work while he was studying, but seeing as his exams had ended two weeks ago they had started to run out of ideas, and as the alcohol started flowing they gave up trying.   
“It’s not like him to miss this many meetings, even during exams.” Feuilly stated as he sipped his beer. Everyone murmured in agreement as Combeferre picked at the label on his bottle.  
“What’s on your mind?” Courfeyrac asked poking his arm to get his attention.  
“I’ve seen him.” The guide admitted. As Enjolras’s best friend and the only one to share a class with him, no one was shocked by this revelation.  
“Of course you have.” Joly giggled looking a little confused.  
“He’s sick. I think, I don’t know. I just know he’s hiding something. He’s lost so much weight guys and he’s not himself. I saw him hugging Grantaire, since when do those two even get along let alone hug!?”   
“Is someone jealous?” Courfeyrac laughed trying to avoid the serious topic that now hung in the air.  
“No. I’m worried.” Combeferre sighed taking a large gulp of his beer.  
“Grantaire’s been lying too.” Joly piped up. “He was taking pills to ‘get over the flu’ except he was perfectly fine.”   
“He’s probably found something else to indulge in.” Bossuet added.   
“Or maybe he’s actually ill. It’s not all bad with him you know.” Marius snapped at them.   
“Maybe we should ask them instead of talking about them behind their backs?” Jehan added softly.   
“What exactly do we say though? You’ve been acting weird recently Enjolras are you on a diet? Grantaire are you on drugs?” Bahorel joked to ease the tension a little.  
“You know if we ask if everything’s okay they’ll just say yes. I can’t remember either of them ever admitting to a problem.” Courfeyrac acknowledged.  
“Grantaire did when his Mum died.” Marius replied quietly.  
“Grantaire’s Mum died?” Echoed from the other students.  
“Okay so he didn’t exactly admit to it, more drunkenly rambled as I carried him home, and when I asked the next day he said everything was fine…”   
“So Couf’s right.” Joly said finally.   
“I always am.” He smiled.  
“I wouldn’t say always.” Enjolras added from the doorway. The group’s heads whipped around so quickly half of them swore they gave themselves whiplash.  
“How long have you been there?” Combeferre asked.  
“Long enough to hear that Courfeyrac’s right. Why? Are you disagreeing with my ideas?” He smiled a little walking over to his usual table, Grantaire appearing behind him and going to his corner. Combeferre looked at his friend closely, he looked healthier, his cheeks a little fuller, the bags a little lighter.  
“Grantaire wasn’t here for that.” Bossuet beamed.  
“Apologies dear friend. I shall resume my usual position of cynicism.” Grantaire pulled out a hip flask taking a long swig. Little did the others know it was the first drink he’d had since going to Enjolras’s apartment and he received the coldest look from the man in question making him screw the lid back on firmly.  
“Okay what is going on with you two? You go missing for over a month and then turn up again with him. You don’t even like each other!” Combeferre snapped. He had tried to keep his cool but he was frustrated that for six weeks he had tried to be there for his best friend and received nothing in return but silence.  
Grantaire and Enjolras glanced at each other, they had discussed telling the group certain things but now it came down to it neither of them knew where to begin.   
They had spent two weeks together, Grantaire nursing Enjolras back to health and Enjolras helping Grantaire cut down on his alcohol. They talked of ideas, the future, the other students and at night would watch movies and laugh at how silly they both thought they were before simply holding each other as they fell asleep.   
At one point Grantaire honestly thought he’d died and gone to heaven, there was no way this was actually happening to him, but it was and Enjolras would reassure him every time he saw the questioning look appear.  
Now Grantaire decided to let the one with the silver tongue go first, then follow whatever story he’d spun.  
“Grantaire and I have become friends… perhaps more than friends.” Enjolras started. The cynics jaw joined the rest of the groups in dropping. He had still expected some lie in which he had just appeared at the same time by chance, not the truth.  
“What do you mean more than friends?” Courfeyrac prompted.  
“I mean…” Enjolras looked at the brunette who waved for him to continue. He took a deep breath. “I have reason to believe I’ve fallen in love with you.” He said so quietly for a moment everyone thought they had imagined it, before realising they had all heard the exact same thing.  
Grantaires eyes grew wide, watching as Enjolras walked over to him.  
“I love you.” Enjolras repeated.  
The cynic couldn’t believe his ears. He was taken back to their first kiss and the feeling that his heart was doing a million somersaults in a row while his stomach became a contortionist.  
He loves you.  
“I-I love you too.” He managed to stammer out in reply a huge smile replacing his look of shock. He blurted out “I love you so much” before they both pulled the other into a deep kiss, forgetting that their friends were still watching.  
“Still jealous?” Courfeyrac giggled nudging Combeferre.  
“Oh shut up you.” He smiled pushing him back.   
As the pair broke apart the reality of the situation hit them. Slowly they turned from each other expecting to see their friends look of horror, the warm smiles that greeted them threw them off completely.  
“We thought it was something a lot worse than you being in love with Grantaire.” Bossuet offered as an explination.  
“This we can handle.” Joly added.  
“Don’t you hate me for being gay?” Grantaire excluded Enjolras from the question, as how could anyone hate him for anything?  
“Of course not! It has clicked that Bossuet and I are bi right? I mean, we’re not exactly subtle.” Joly smiled.  
“I know, but that’s not full on gay.” He bit his lip, even though they were being so kind he still expected the rug to be pulled out from under him any moment. Coming out shouldn’t be this easy.  
“And let’s face it, this is better than Enjolras dying along because he’s married to democracy.” Courfeyrac smiled.  
“You’re our friends, and you seem happy. That’s all we care about.” Jehan beamed, pulling them both into a hug. Grantaire returned it happily, content that for once things had gone better than planned, but all Enjolras could think about was the other secret he was hiding, and how his friends would react to that one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter up, I've been surprisingly busy for someone with no life! Anyway I hope you enjoyed it, I'll try and get the next one up very soon and thank you again for all the kudos and comments. They honestly make my day, knowing that someone is enjoying what I write! I love you all xxx


	7. Revolution

“We can’t just sit back and keep being ignored any longer, now is the time to stand up and take action!” Enjolras was swept up in one of his impassioned speeches as the rest of his group watched in awe. No one more so than Grantaire who had now been sober for an entire month, and couldn’t believe that his love seemed to shine more without the blur of the alcohol. It didn’t seem possible for him to be any more perfect, and yet he appeared to be glowing.  
“The mayor is holding a parade tomorrow, it goes down 5th avenue, and I say we take out stand there. For everyone to see.”  
“How will we make him notice? If we take signs the police won’t let us anywhere near, let alone close enough to make an impact.” Combeferre asked.  
“You have a good point, it’s not just about making the mayor notice us. We need the people to rise too! Start a rebellion!”  
“A rebellion? Come on Enjolras it’s not 1832!” Grantaire giggled getting a strange look from the man in question that was a mix of love and annoyance.  
“No, certainly not, especially as I don’t want a single one of us to die.”  
“Maybe we could boycott?” Courfeyrac suggested with a bit of a shrug.  
Once again the group was drawn into a heated discussion finally agreeing to a course of action. They would stand peacefully in the crowd and at an opportune moment start to chant, before taking over the parade and hopefully the crowd would join in.  
With their plan sorted the group started to trickle out of the Musain and towards their apartments until only Grantaire and Enjolras were left, the latter still running over the plans.  
“You know it doesn’t matter how many times you read them, they won’t magically change.” Grantaire smiled rubbing the blondes shoulders gently.  
“Mmmm.” He sighed relaxing into Grantaire’s touch. “I just want to be sure.” He leant his head back with his eyes closed. Grantaire smiled looking down at him before leaning to place a gentle kiss on the end of his nose.  
“Kicking out time mon amis.” The owner shouted smiling at the pair. He would never refer to their group in English, as he decided it was too strange to ignore how all their names were so French in New York City, and so they became known affectionately as Les Amis as a whole, mon amis personally or sometimes even mon petit chat, as that was all the French he knew and he was not going to let any of it go to waste.  
After saying their goodnights the pair ambled through the city hand in hand arriving at Enjolras’s apartment first.  
“I will see you tomorrow morning for your master plan, dear leader.” Grantaire smiled, reverting back to his old ways and throwing in a little bow at the end.  
“Grantaire I told you to stop that.” Enjolras pulled him up and into a soft kiss, which soon found them tangled together with hands buried in hair and shirts. “Do you want to come upstairs?” Enjolras panted, his lips hardly leaving the brunettes who could only nod in response.  
They had barely made it through the door before their lips crashed together again and coats were thrown to the floor. They stumbled through the apartment, Enjolras slamming Grantaire against the wall to attack his neck.  
“Oh god, Enjolras’ Grantaire moaned running his hand through the golden curls. “W-where did this come from?” He couldn’t help it, his brain screamed at him to shut up and enjoy the moment but he had to wonder. For a month it had been kisses and leaving Grantaire wanting for more and now this?  
“I’ve wanted you for weeks, we just never had a moment.” Enjolras said as he moved onto Grantaires collarbone making him weak at the knees. “And you know what French history references do to me.” He joked looking up at him, his eyes full of lust.  
“You never do this to Combeferre.” Grantaire replied pulling him up for another make out session.  
“I don’t think he’d quite appreciate it as you do.” Enjolras laughed removing Grantaires shirt, running his hands over his skin as he did so and sending shivers right through the brunette.  
“I do…” Grantaire mumbled. Unable to form sentences anymore as Enjolras began to kiss down his chest. “Oh god I do.”  
Enjolras smiled moving back up to the brunette’s lips as he slipped off his jeans. Moving his hands over Grantaires he guided them to his waist, running them up his side to bring his shirt with them.  
“Go on.” He whispered in the cynic’s ear. With shaking hands Grantaire pulled off Enjolras’s shirt and dropped it, stopping to admire the sight in front of him. Again Enjolras took his hands and placed them on his lower abs, letting Grantaire move from there.  
Grantaire couldn’t quite believe what was happening. Slowly he moved his hands down removing Enjolras’s jeans until they were both completely unclothed and incredibly turned on.  
Somewhere in the undressing their kisses had gone from fast and desperate to slow and loving, Enjolras making sure he let Grantaire know it’s okay to do whatever he wants… within reason.  
With their arms locked around each other they stumbled into the bedroom and collapsed on top of each other. Enjolras reached over to his bedside locker pulling out some lube.  
“Are you sure about this?” He could feel Grantaire trembling below him and wondered if he was okay with everything that was happening.  
“Yes. I- this- yes.” He stammered out pulling Enjolras into a passionate kiss. “I love you.” He whispered as Enjolras thrust in.  
“I love you.” Enjolras moaned in reply kissing him again. “Oh god I love you.” He waited, letting Grantaire adjust, all the while planting soft kisses down his neck and along his collarbone causing the brunette to groan happily before moving his hips against the blondes. Enjolras smiled starting a steady rhythm, Grantaire’s breath hitching as his love hit a certain spot.  
“Oh god.” He breathed looking up at Enjolras who was looking down at him with nothing but love. They moved in sync, hands running over each other’s bodies, their lips crashing together in-between gasps and moans of the others name. Enjolras reached down and began to rub Grantaire eliciting the loudest moan yet.  
“Enjolras- I- Oh god.” Grantaire gasped. “I love you.” He managed to get out, leaning up to kiss the blonde as he came, Enjolras coming almost immediately after.  
Once they had cleaned themselves up Enjolras pulled Grantaire into his side, kissing the top of his head. They lay like that for a while, both with a content smile on their faces, their hands linked over Enjolras’s heart while Grantaire listened to it beat.  
“You’re amazing.” Enjolras said messing with Grantaires curls, something that had become one of his favourite activities.  
“I think you’ll find that’s you.” He replied lazily. “I am nothing.” He slurred as he was slowly falling asleep.  
“You are my everything.” Enjolras breathed. “One day you’ll believe me, I’ll make sure of it.” He kissed the top of Grantaires head as the brunette nuzzled his chest, now blissfully asleep, a small smile remaining for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if their sex was rubbish, I've never written any before so wasn't entirely sure of what I was doing! I know I say it on every chapter but thank you again for the kudos and the comments, I seriously appreciate them! xxx


	8. White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have slipped in a few references without meaning to in this chapter. They just fit into the story too well to not use! I hope you enjoy it x

Grantaire woke the next morning feeling happier than he could ever remember. He was still in Enjolras’s arms, curled tightly into his side, his head having found a little nook to rest in, his hand still entwined with the blondes.

He dared move, knowing that Enjolras was a light sleeper and then not one to lay around he knew this bliss wouldn’t last for long, and so he listened to the steady beat of Enjolras’s heart, letting it and the heat that seemed to radiate off him, soothe him back into a half sleep.

A loud vibrating sound shook him awake, making him jump out of his skin.

“Hey you’re okay, it’s just my phone.” Enjolras messed with the brunette’s hair gently as he switched off his phone.

“How long have you been awake?” He smiled relaxing into the blondes touch.

“Half hour? Not too long, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“I wouldn’t have mind. I don’t want to keep you from work.” Grantaire practically purred.

“There’s still another two hours until the protest starts, we have time.” Enjolras replied calmly.

“The protest!” Grantaire bolted upright. “I completely forgot.” Enjolras giggled looking at the dishevelled man infront of him. 

“Since when have you been so worried? It’s okay. Everything is planned. Combeferre just confirmed that the group knows where to meet and we shall go together.”

“Since when are you so relaxed? I seem to remember you being three hours early to the last protest.” Grantaire examined the beautiful blonde, his usually perfect hair sticking up at odd angles after their late night activities. Who was Grantaire kidding? It still looked perfect.

“How do you know? You’re usually three hours late.”

“Ah I know a lot more than you think, it may surprise you to find I am on time, I just don’t contribute until I have a sufficient amount of alcohol in my system.” He smiled kissing Enjolras’s cheek softly. “Come on I’m not making you late, the others will hate me.” Grantaire pulled his love up taking a moment to soak in the image of him completely unclothed and at Grantaire’s whim. This would probably be his new favourite memory, well, coupled with last night. On second thoughts last night is his favourite memory, no question about it.

“Grantaire?” Enjolras looked at the brunette who was still holding his hand and off in a world of his own.

“Sorry. I got a bit distracted, you should really stop looking like the gods carved you out of marble or someone could get hurt.” At this Enjolras blushed and Grantaire found yet another thing to add to his list of reasons why Enjolras is perfection in human form.

 

 When they arrived at the protest everyone seemed surprised to see each other, as if they hadn’t been planning and just waiting for this opportunity for months.

“I thought you were going to get here later, we sorted everything.” Combeferre said to his best friend.

“I know, but Grantaire wouldn’t let me, what was it you said?” Enjolras replied nudging the brunette his hand was linked with.

“I wouldn’t let him ruin his streak of perfection for me. He’s never been late to anything, I won’t let him start now.” He smiled kissing the inside of Enjolras’s wrist. The rest of the group were stunned.

“O-okay then. So we’re all here, let’s get started.” Combeferre handed out the signs they had. “Marius?” He held out one to his silent friend who looked as if he’d seen a ghost. “Are you okay?”

Looking at each other, and then back to Marius the group followed his gaze to a small blonde woman who was staring back at their friend with the same expression.

“That’s the Mayors daughter.” Enjolras stated. “Maybe she could help us?” As he went to walk over to her Marius grabbed him.

“No! You can’t what if she doesn’t like us, or, or support us, or what if…” His sentence turned into mumbles that the blonde couldn’t decipher.

“Or what if she does and we get you laid?” Courfeyrac slapped him on the back bounding over to her. “Hi.” He beamed. “Have you met Marius?” He shoved their still mumbling friend forward before running back to the group.

Enjolras smiled watching the couple talk. If Marius did end up dating he maybe they would be able to meet with the Mayor personally and talk to him about their cause, if his daughter supported them he was bound to listen. Everyone knew how close they were.

“How many political plans do you have for them so far?” Combeferre smiled knowing all too well where his friends mind was.

“Not many. You can’t blame me, this could be a way to really get our voices heard.” He was off already, the excitement of the upcoming protest pulsing through his veins and making it hard for him to not see everything as an opportunity.

“I know. I believe you’ll do that with or without those two hooking up.” He patted Enjolras’s back supportively, resting his hand on his shoulder. “Jesus you’re hot.” His brows furrowed looking at the blonde.

“I knew you were jealous!” Courfeyrac yelled having over heard Combeferre’s last statement.

“Not in that way, not that I think you’re… oh whatever are you okay?” He couldn’t be bothered to dig himself into a hole, besides they had been best friends for years. Most times they didn’t even need to say anything to understand what the other was thinking.

“Fine. It’s just warm out here, don’t you think?”

“Enjolras it’s January in New York City. It’s freezing.” Combeferre crossed his arms looking sternly at his friend.

“Maybe I’m getting a little sick but it’s nothing. I promise I’ll get some rest after the protest. You’d be horribly mistaken to think I’m going to miss this one especially when we might be getting the Mayors daughter on our side.” Mirroring his guide he crossed his arms in defiance.

“Okay. I know you’re not going anywhere, just don’t tell Joly or he’ll be giving you a check up in seconds flat.” He smiled uncrossing his arms and resting his hand on his friends arm.

 

 Two hours later the parade was in full force and the blonde woman, they now knew as Cosette, was standing with them hand in hand with Marius. Finally the opportune moment came and Enjolras ran forward raising his sign above his head and starting the chant, the group following him seconds later.

Thankfully the crowd supported them and they too joined the chanting, stopping the parade in it’s tracks.

Enjolras beamed climbing up onto one of the floats to lead the crowd in their cheers, his guide and centre following him while Grantaire stayed below as always. The group was euphoric; they couldn’t have imagined it going this well. Arms were being thrown around shoulders, smiles spread across every face as everyone there felt as if they were standing up for something they believed in and maybe making a difference.

Grantaire watched the love of his life as he led the masses. Cheering twice as loud as everyone else with twice the passion. He noticed the smile fade a little as Enjolras stifled a cough, which wouldn’t go away. Saw him drop the sign and gasp for air as it simply worsened. Watched as his eyes rolled back and with one last attempt to steady him self slipped off the edge of the float and onto the ground beneath.

His friends stopped dead, their eyes wide as Grantaire flew to his side cupping his face in his shaking hands.

“Enjolras? Enjolras wake up.” He whispered stroking his thumb across Enjolras’s cheek, not wanting to move him anymore for fear of causing him injury.

Everything around him turned into a blur of noise and colour. His friends were at his side saying things to him that he couldn’t quite hear. There was the piercing noise of the sirens that pushed him away from Enjolras, before the feeling of strong hands pushing him into a vehicle, where all he could do was watch as strangers put tubes and wires into his love and then white.

White walls, white chairs, white lights. Everything seemed too bright, too harsh and the one thing he had to focus on had been taken from him.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed, it could have been weeks for all he knew, when he felt the same pair of strong hands rubbing his shoulder.

“Grantaire?”

He knew the voice, looking up he saw Combeferre and the rest of his friends slowly arriving. He noticed Marius had brought the blonde girl with him, which he thought was a little inappropriate. Then again, it would be nice to have the one you love near by.

“Are you okay?” Combeferre asked, sitting in the chair next to him and slipping his arm around Grantaires shoulder. He couldn’t seem to find any words and so simply nodded, feeling the squeeze of Combeferres hand on his shoulder.

As his thoughts finally returned to him Grantaire wondered why he was so worried. Enjolras had been fine that morning, a little warm perhaps, but nothing serious. He tried to stay positive but he couldn’t keep the image of Enjolras falling out of his mind.

God he needed a drink.


	9. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did think about making you wait for this chapter but it felt mean! So here it is! I hope you enjoy it, and as I forgot to thank you all on the last chapter (the shame!) I will say it twice as much now. Thank you thank you thank you! I'm really enjoying writing this and knowing that people are enjoying reading it too is amazing. x

Grantaire sat with his head in his hands, his head pounding, his throat dry despite the glass of water and two cups of coffee Jehan had brought him.  
Why was this taking so long? Did time always slow down in these situations? Why is that doctor staring at him? His last question was answered as the doctor addressed him.  
“Sir, you arrived here with Mr. Enjolras are you a relative?”  
“No.” He had to clear his throat his single word answer still managing to sound shaky.  
“We need a relative or partner, is there anyone we can contact?” The doctor said gently causing Grantaire to panic.  
“This is his partner.” Joly replied motioning to Grantaire.  
“Okay, if you follow me I can update you on your partner.”  
“You can say it here. I’m not leaving my friends.” Grantaire choked out. He didn’t want to hear the news alone. “He’s okay isn’t he?”  
The doctor surveyed the group before continuing.  
“He sustained a relatively severe head injury but once he wakes up there should be no lasting damage, although we won’t be able to say for sure until he regains consciousness.” The doctor paused and Grantaire let out the breath he had been holding.  
He was alive.  
“Why did he collapse in the first place? Is that sorted?” Courfeyrac piped up and Grantaire knew the answer that was about to come.  
“Maybe we should discuss this separately.” Grantaire blurted out before the doctor could continue. He avoided the confused gaze of his friends as he followed the doctor into another room.  
“Are you aware of Mr. Enjolras’s condition?” The doctor started.  
“Yes. He has AIDS, I’m aware.”  
“Technically he still has HIV.” The doctor corrected before continuing. “He has pneumonia, we find it's relatively common around this time of year, people don't take care of themselves in the cold. It’s not fatal and we will be able to treat it as long as he rests and allows himself to recover. I can not stress this enough, if his condition worsens it may progress into something we will not be able to cure.”  
Grantaires mind seemed to split into two; on the one hand he was ecstatic that Enjolras was okay, well as okay as he could be. On the other he was terrified that this was the beginning of the end for his love. The doctor noticed the panicked look that overtook Grantaire’s features.  
“As I said, we can treat him and he will recover. At this moment in time there is no cause for concern, we just can’t let him get any worse.” He said softly. “You can go and see him if you’d like.”  
The brunette nodded following the doctor into another white room with white features. He braced himself for the worse and was pleasantly surprised as Enjolras simply looked as though he were sleeping. If you took away the tubes, and the fact he was in a hospital bed.  
Slowly he walked over to the bed his eyes fixed on the blonde before him. He was okay. He could be okay. Today wasn’t going to be the day that Grantaire lost him. Tentatively he took Enjolras’s hand, half expecting it to be cold. Once again he breathed a sigh of relief when the warmth hit his palm and without any warning the numb haze that had been lingering over him disappeared and tears began to spill down his cheeks. He let his head fall onto the bed as sobs wracked his body.  
He had never felt more alone, even though he knew his group of friends were right outside the door all he wanted was his Enjolras. He imagined the blonde running his fingers through his hair to calm him and swore he could almost feel it.  
He could feel it. As he slowly raised his head he could see Enjolras looking down at him, his brows furrowed in concern, his eyes still a little sleepy.  
“Oh Grantaire, what’s wrong?” He whispered, his words coming out ever so slightly slurred.  
“You’re awake! I thought I’d lost you.” His voice broke as another sob shook him.  
“My darling, I’m not going anywhere.” Enjolras smiled cupping the brunette’s cheek and gently wiping away the tears that continued to fall.  
“I love you.” Grantaire sighed, moving into the touch.  
“I love you too.” Enjolras smiled pulling him down to place a gentle kiss on his lips.  
“Everyone’s waiting outside.” It was said more as an after thought as he remembered his friends would still be sat around wondering how their friend was, but he thought Enjolras might want to know that they cared.  
“Do they know?” Enjolras whispered, a slight quiver to his voice.  
“No. They’re going to ask questions though, but don’t worry about it. Just worry about getting better.” Grantaire replied kissing his cheek. “You have to get better.” He breathed resting his forehead on Enjolras’s.  
The sound of the door swinging open and footsteps entering the room broke the silence.  
“You’re awake.” The doctor stated a little surprised. “We need to run a couple of tests, see what the damage is. If you could possibly leave the room for a moment, we will call you back when we’ve finished.” He turned to Grantaire with a smile on his face that made the brunette want to punch him. The last thing he wanted to do was leave, but he didn’t want to cause Enjolras any stress so instead he kissed the blonde again and left without a word.

 

Enjolras watched him go wishing more than anything that he were still beside him. His head pounded and everything ached, somehow Grantaire’s presence had eased it. The doctor asked him what the last thing he remembered was and as he struggled to think his headache seemed to increase.  
“I was at the protest.” He said finally. He didn’t have amnesia; there was no need for anyone to worry. It was all flooding back. When he’d woke that morning he felt groggy but there was a protest to run, he didn’t care. It would pass, these things always did. It didn’t, and as he was shouting he remembered feeling short of breath, as if he’d just run for miles. He recalled the crowd seeming to swirl around him except for one face, Grantaire’s, who was watching him closely as he always did. His face was the last thing he remembered, as the ground seemed to shift beneath him and everything went black.  
The black continued but instead of silence he could hear crying. It was heart breaking, they sounded as broken as he felt. He could feel something in his hand, it was warm and squeezing his but he couldn’t work out what it was. The crying continued and it made something inside of him ache, he wanted to reach out and help this person. He willed himself to move, nothing happened, only black. As the person began to shake with sobs something clicked inside of him and slowly he opened his eyes.  
The brightness made his headache and everything was blurred, looking down to his side he could only just make out a mass of black curls and suddenly his world fell into place. Reaching across he buried his hand into them, his hands too stiff to do anything but simply rest there. Apparently that was enough as the man looked up at him with giant watery blue eyes.  
Grantaire.  
He furrowed his brow, which made his head pound even more and the scene in front of him swim, but he had never seen his love look so broken. His face was blotchy from crying which matched the red that now rimmed his eyes.  
“Oh Grantaire, what’s wrong?” He couldn’t work it out, the only thing he was sure of in that second was the man in front of him.

As Grantaire rounded the corner every one of his friends turned to look at him, their eyes full of question.  
“He’s okay, he just woke up.” He said sliding next to Combeferre. He felt exhausted despite the fact only a few hours had passed.  
“Why did he collapse?” Joly asked what they were all thinking. Grantaire looked around at his friends, he didn’t want to lie, but this wasn’t his secret to tell. So he chose to proceed on a need to know basis.  
“He has pneumonia.”  
“Surely they could have told you that in front of us?” Courfeyrac asked, looking around to see if anyone else agreed. They did, making Grantaire think hard about his answer, something he wasn’t used to, which in turn made the rest of the group question things even more.  
“Grantaire what’s going on?” Combeferre piped up before Grantaire could formulate an answer.  
“Nothing! He’s just, he…”  
“We know there’s more to this. No matter how bad the news might have been we’ve always taken it as a group.” Combeferre interrupted.  
“Like after Bahorel’s fight, there were some serious worries there, he could have been brain damaged. Or worse.” Marius added.  
“Wait, he wasn’t?” Bossuet joked getting a light punch from the man in question.  
“So there’s obviously something you’re keeping from us here. We don’t want to pry. We’re just worried, very worried and there might be some way we can help.” Combeferre spoke for the group.  
Grantaire didn’t know what to do, he couldn’t tell them, that was Enjolras’s job. He didn’t want to lie to them though, besides, they’d know he was lying.  
“Mr. Grantaire? You can see him again.” The doctor called at the perfect time.  
“Let me talk to him, then we’ll stop lying to you.” Grantaire said firmly, as he practically ran back to Enjolras. As soon as he laid eyes on the blonde he could feel himself calming. They’d work it out together. “How’re you feeling?”  
“Sore. Like I fell off a float.” He smiled a little taking Grantaire’s hand. “Stop worrying. I’m going to be fine.” He pulled his hand up to his cheek, resting it there and pressing a kiss to his palm.  
“I know. I do.” Grantaire bit his lip, running his thumb across Enjolras’s cheekbone. “I just got scared. You were so still, I didn’t know what to do.” Tears began to spill again, which broke Enjolras’s heart.  
“It’s over now. Everything is okay.” He pulled the brunette into a tight hug and felt him shake his head against his shoulder.  
“They know we’re hiding something. I said we’d stop lying to them. I’m so sorry Enjolras. I wanted to make something up but you know what they’re like, what Combeferre’s like. They know. I’m so sorry.” He whimpered, hoping his love didn’t hate him for landing them in this situation.  
“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I always said when they start to question things I’d tell them. I guess now’s the time to act on that.” Despite this Enjolras began to worry, ideas flying into his head that he’d never even considered before. Would his friends abandon him? Would they hate him? Would he disgust them? He shook his head to get rid of them and immediately regretted it as the room began to swirl. He closed his eyes tight, focusing on the feeling of Grantaire pressed against him, the sound of his breathing.  
“Enjolras?” Grantaire had moved away a little and was looking at the blonde with a concerned look. As Enjolras opened his eyes everything settled into its correct place.  
“I’m good. Can you go and get them for me please? I’m ready.” He took a deep breath watching the cynic leave. Was he really ready? Too late, he thought as his friends entered the room. Time to tell the truth.


	10. The Truth

The group found a place around Enjolras’s bed, each one saying how happy they were that he was okay. Once everyone had settled and Grantaire had a tight hold of his hand there was no more messing around.  
“Enjolras what’s going on?” Combeferre asked, placing a supportive hand on his friends arm.  
Looking around at his friends’ faces he hoped this wouldn’t be the last time he saw them sporting such supportive expressions. He took a deep breath, clinging on tighter to Grantaire.  
“I’m sick.” It was a good start. “I have been for a little while now. I ha-“ His voice broke and he swallowed hard. “I have HIV.”  
His statement hung in the air and he couldn’t bear to look at anyone but Grantaire.  
“How long?” Combeferre croaked.  
“Two years.” He replied, his voice sounding just as constrained.  
“And that’s how you got the pneumonia?” Joly asked, his voice almost completely monotone. Enjolras nodded in reply, still not daring to look at his friends. He hoped they were still his friends.  
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Jehan questioned softly.  
“Honestly. I didn’t want you to see me as a weak leader. I thought if you knew I was ill I’d loose the ability to lead our group.” He decided to leave out the worries that had begun in the past few minutes.  
“You idiot we don’t follow you because you’re the picture of good health. You go weeks without eating properly or sleeping during exams. Heck you do it when anything important comes up and you deem every day activities as a waste of time. We follow you because we believe in your ideas, in you.” Combeferre shouted, his voice thick with tears He hadn’t meant to yell at him, he just couldn’t believe that his friend had been hiding this for two years, and for such a dumb reason. The group murmured in agreement.  
“Do you really think after being friends for so long, seeing you in action, hearing your words, having your constant support, we’d abandon you so easy? Enjolras you’ve been there for us through so much. Why would we disappear when things get a bit difficult?” Marius said shakily. Unlike Combeferre his tears had begun to spill.  
“B-because it’s easier.” Enjolras choked out. Finally he forced himself to look up and found all his friends either in tears, or on the verge of them. If he had been looking in on them he would have laughed to see his group of usually cheerful men all reduced to this.  
“Who cares what’s easier? We will support you and your causes whether you’re completely healthy or lying on your death bed and everything in between.” Courfeyrac surprised them all with the sincerity of his speech but then they all felt the same. While none of them held Enjolras to the esteem that Grantaire did, they saw him as untouchable.  
He was their fearless leader that despite going weeks without sleeping or eating could still rally hundreds of people to follow his every whim. Knowing that he had an illness that would one day kill him and in the mean time make him vulnerable shocked them. None of them thought they’d have to come to terms with loosing a friend so soon.  
“I thought you were going to hate me.” He never thought this would be so hard.  
“Your sick, it’s not like you murdered someone. You didn’t kill anyone did you? I mean we know how you get about some of your causes.” Bossuet raised his eyebrow and the group descended into laughter.  
“No, I didn’t kill anyone.” He smiled giving Bossuet a look of thanks.  
“Have you two… you know?” Joly asked, wondering if he was being a little too invasive.  
“Oh it’s fine I already have it.” Grantaire wished he took the same care hiding his secret that he had with Enjolras’s. Once again the group fell silent.  
“Wait, you didn’t give it to…” Combeferre began, his expression turning into a slight scowl.  
“No! He didn’t, I didn’t even like him two years ago.” Enjolras blurted out. “We only got together three months ago and it wasn’t until last night that we...” The blush returned as he realised what he’d just admitted. Grantaire’s face turned the same shade as he used Enjolras’s hand to hide his face.  
“You got laid!” Courfeyrac laughed. Grumbles of oh god, I didn’t need to know that and nice one echoed around the friends.  
“So we could loose you both?” Marius covered his mouth his question obviously only meaning to be a thought.  
“Nah, as long as Enjolras starts to look after himself there won’t be any loss anytime soon.” Grantaire smiled linking fingers with the man in question.  
“What about you?” Feuilly asked.  
“What about me?” Grantaire looked around the group confused.  
“You said we won’t loose Enjolras, what about you?” Feuilly clarified looking a little scared.  
“Oh I’m fine.” Grantaire shrugged. “It’s our fearless leader that needs caring for right now.” He smiled at Enjolras avoiding the gaze of his friends.  
“We care about you too Grantaire. You do know that don’t you?” Jehan walked over to him placing a supportive hand on his shoulder.  
“Yeah, sure.” He looked up at Bahorel, hoping he wasn’t looking as serious as everyone else sounded and was very disappointed to see his friends concern plastered all over his face. Grantaire laughed uncomfortably. “Come on guys it looks like someone died in here! We should let Enjolras rest, remember he needs to get better.” He turned to the blonde man, “and this can’t be good for you.”  
Enjolras studied the brunette, he looked panicked, and after the day he’d had so far Enjolras didn’t want to put any more pressures onto his love, who looked about ready to break down again.  
“I do feel a bit sleepy. If you don’t mind?” He looked around his friends giving them an apologetic look coupled with a, I’ll talk to him, behind his eyes. One by one they said their goodbyes, promising to return the next day before leaving the couple alone.  
“Are you okay?” Enjolras asked as soon as the door closed.  
“Yeah, fine. I’m just worried about you.” Grantaire couldn’t handle it. After years of sitting at the back of the Musain, only talking occasionally to his friends, who he swore actually hated him and watching their leader, who he knew hated him, he was suddenly thrown into the spotlight discovering the depth of their love while being in love and all this after nearly loosing Enjolras. He felt about ready to explode, or collapse. He didn’t mind which happened first.  
“Is there something you’re not telling me?”  
“What? No! I just, it’s been a long day and I can’t- I don’t want to talk about me. I’m not important, you are.” He brushed a strand of hair off Enjolras’s cheek, resting his hand there.  
Enjolras sighed moving himself away from Grantaire a little causing the brunette to panic, until he patted the bed.  
“Lie with me? You look like you need rest more than I do.” Enjolras smiled manoeuvring the wires on the back of his hand so they didn’t strangle Grantaire as he embraced him. “You are the most important person in my life.” He whispered softly kissing the top of his head. “I will keep saying it until you believe it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usual bucket full of thanks to all you lovely people whose comments never fail to make me smile and brighten my day. *Sends hugs, flowers and kittens to you all.* I did think about using the idea grantairesunderwear worried about, the group blaming Grantaire for Enjolras's illness, but after everything I've put him through in the last two chapters alone I couldn't bring myself to take it any further! xxx


	11. You are Needed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are going to get bored of hearing this, but guess what? Thank you!!! I'm having so much fun writing this and all your comments and kudos make it worthwhile. xxx

The couple lay kissing each other softly, their limbs tangled together. It had been weeks since Enjolras had returned home and already he was looking more like his old self. He had been surprised to find that not only Grantaire focused all his efforts on helping him heal, but the entire group had too. They would bring around healthy meals they’d cooked, bring the meetings to him when he wasn’t feeling so good and even take on some of his work load so he could relax.   
Enjolras worried he would feel helpless in it all but they continued to treat him as a leader, and that put any nagging thoughts he had to rest.  
“Enjolras?” Grantaire mumbled into his neck, placing a gentle kiss there.  
“Mmmhmm.” Was all he could respond with, as tilted his head back to give Grantaire better access.  
“I want to ask you something, but I don’t want you to get mad.” He moved back looking at the blonde tentatively.   
“I won’t get mad, I promise.” Enjolras leant up to kiss him.  
“How did you get it? I didn’t think you’d had sex, or were interested in anyone. You were always married to the cause.” It had never really crossed Grantaire’s mind to ask until Courfeyrac pointed out they’d had sex, which came as a surprise to the group as they all thought Enjolras was celibate.  
“I thought I’d told you?” Enjolras replied looking confused.   
“Nope, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I was just curious.”  
“Okay. Well it was my last year of high school. I was starting to think I might be gay and my best friend at the time had the same concern so we kissed. When we realised how much we enjoyed it we carried on. A few weeks later one of our friends said he was getting tested. He didn’t know about us, he was just going for himself but we decided to go along too. I’m sure you can guess what happened next.” There was no heartache in his voice; it was as if he were telling any old story about someone else.   
“Is he?” For a cynic Grantaire always found death to be a tricky subject, even more so after he’d found out about his own disease.  
“Yeah. He was in a car crash just before I left to come here. Apparently he died instantly so at least he didn’t have to go through any pain.” Enjolras bit his lip forcing a smile. He had never spoken about his friend before, instead he moved to New York City to start a new life, pretending none of it happened but vowing to take every available opportunity to fight for road safety.  
“I’m so sorry.” Grantaire cupped his loves cheek, placing gentle kisses along his jaw line.  
“It was a long time ago, it’s okay.” He smiled closing his eyes and relaxing, their moment cut short by a loud knock on the door.   
“I’m coming in! If you’re naked please cover up and if you’re… well just know I’m on the sofa so make it quiet.” Combeferre shouted out. Grantaire giggled hiding his face in Enjolras’s neck.  
“Is it really the afternoon already?” Enjolras couldn’t believe how relaxed he’d become; he never slept past 9am, let alone stay in bed until after lunch. As Grantaire’s curls tickled his jaw he realised he didn’t mind all too much after all.  
“Are they getting it on?” Courfeyrac bounded in pressing his ear to the door.  
“No we’re not.” Grantaire replied opening the door and stepping to the side as Courfeyrac fell in, looking up at them with the cheesiest grin.  
“Hi.” He beamed letting the cynic help him up.   
The group settled into their usual places. Combeferre and Enjolras sat on the middle sofa together, Grantaire curled at his loves feet with Marius next to him sprawling his gangly legs across the floor. Joly lay across Bossuet on the armchair while Jehan sat cross-legged leaning on Feuilly opposite their chief and guide and Bahorel dragged through a dining chair to complete the group.  
With the discussion turning heated Grantaire nudged the only other person not getting involved.  
“What’s on your mind?” He asked. “You’re miles away.”  
Marius blushed. “I think I’m in love Grantaire.”  
“With Cosette?”   
Marius nodded with a smile. “How do you tell someone though? I want it to be perfect.”  
“Well you’re both soppy romantics so use it. What about that spot you always go on about, the one she loves? In central park that over looks the lake.” The plus side of always observing was that Grantaire knew more than everyone realised.  
“Oh yeah! We could have a picnic. Grantaire that’s perfect!” Without warning he flung his arms around the brunette.  
“S’ok, you came up with the idea though. I didn’t do anything.”   
“You do so much, just look at how much Enjolras improved.” Marius nudged him looking up at their leader who had his old spark back.  
“Oh Marius it appears love had addled your brain my friend.”  
“Have you two heard anything we’ve said?” Enjolras snapped, still in let’s organise a revolution mode.  
“My love I didn’t need to hear for I know whatever we’re planning will be successful with you at the helm of the operation.” Grantaire winked getting a scowl in return, which quickly morphed into a smile before he returned to his discussion.  
“And that is why I asked you for help.” Marius whispered beginning to listen to the rest of the group.  
In a strange way everyone was grateful for the accident. It had brought their group closer than ever, especially with the news of their friends mortality. Any barriers they previously held disappeared and they spoke freely without any worries. Joly and Bossuet finally admitted their feelings for each other, rather than constantly denying them and insisting they were just friends with benefits, despite the fact everyone already knew.   
As Grantaire looked around he felt a swell of pride. Everyone was so accepting of each other and everyone else, he felt truly lucky to be a part of this group of friends. His eyes fell on Enjolras and he swore his heart could leap out of his chest. How had this man fallen in love with him, of all people? He watched their chief and guide interact thinking that they were the more likely couple here, the way they intereracted was just so natural, and yet Enjolras had fallen for him. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it, or the fact that any of these wonderfully talented people didn’t hate him. More than that they actually liked him. Almost on cue Jehan crawled over to him.  
“I know you’ve been busy.” He started, his voice as soft as ever. Grantaire simply held a tattered piece of paper to him with an address, telephone number and name on it.  
“He said he’d love to read more of your work and talk about including them in the book. When you call if he doesn’t remember your name just mention me, and he’ll click. Although the way he was raving about your stuff all through the lecture I doubt he’s forgotten you. We barely learnt a thing that lesson except how thrilled he was to discover someone with such talent.” Grantaire smiled jumping as Jehan copied Marius, throwing his arms around their friend.  
“I could kiss you my friend, but I would fear for my life so I will find another way to repay you.” The poet beamed.  
“Oh it’s no worries. You deserve it.” Grantaire shrugged watching his friend scurry back to his spot.  
Within the next hour their heated discussions had faded into laughing as Bossuet’s latest spree of bad luck.  
“I swear he nearly burnt down the kitchen.” Joly exclaimed.  
“So it’s pot luck on the cookies, some of you may get a nice treat, others may well be better used as charcoal. Hey maybe Grantaire could create something with them.” He laughed patting him on the back.  
“Everything’s okay though?” Feuilly asked as he braided Jehan’s hair.  
“Oh yeah, just a little smoke.”  
“A little? There might as well have been a bonfire there was so much smoke in that room. It’s a good job I was changing the battery on the smoke alarm or the whole building would have been evacuated all because my dear tried to bake.”   
“So we don’t let Bossuet bake, what do we let him do?” Marius giggled.  
“Joly.” Courfeyrac replied in a split second. “Oh come on, it was too easy!” He beamed as everyone burst out laughing. Even Enjolras found himself joining in as he played with Grantaire’s curls, the brunette’s head in his lap as he’d curled around his feet. He leant down to place a gentle kiss on his temple.  
“I love you.” He whispered in his ear.  
“Mmm. Love you too.” Grantaire replied, now putty in his hands.   
“I never realised how much you do for us Grantaire.” Enjolras continued whispering, the rest of the group joking between themselves as he nuzzled against his neck.  
“I don’t do anything.” He pratically moaned turning to look at the blonde.  
“I heard you helping Marius and Jehan. What would we do without you?” Enjolras smiled kissing him gently.  
“Carry on as normal probably.” Grantaire mumbled against his lips.  
“Jeeze will you two get a room, you do know we’re still here?” Bahorel joked.  
“We already have one.” Enjolras replied nuzzling into Grantaire neck for a second. “And I fully intend to use it later and show you just how much you’re needed.” He growled before sitting up normally leaving Grantaire speechless with a giant grin on his face, and about ready to kick out his friends without a second thought. Later could not come soon enough.


	12. I Will Always Love You

Two years had passed since the accident. The sky was suitably grey as the group huddled together taking their seats in front of a simple wood coffin. They could see their friends’ curls sticking out of the open casket just ever so slightly causing a slight smile to spread through the group. It quickly faded as the reality of those curls being attached to their friends lifeless body hit them.  
Marius was the first to speak, walking to the coffin and looking one last time at his friends’ now cold features.  
“I know he seemed like the one person in the world you couldn’t talk to but that wasn’t true.” He bit his lip smiling. “He always listened, he never judged and he would always try to help you in whatever way he could. I don’t know what we’re going to do without him.” His voice broke as tears began to flow steadily. Cosette pulled him into a tight hug leading him back to his seat.  
One by one the friends stood to tell their stories, Jehan read the poem he had written, Courfeyrac tried to crack a joke but burst into tears before he could complete it. Bossuet tripped on his way up making them smile and Bahorel even managed to make them laugh with his tales. Each one of them had something different to say, but there was one thought present in each speech, they couldn’t believe their friend was gone forever. Finally there was only one person left to speak.  
Enjolras stood, his legs shaking below him as he walked slowly to the casket. Reaching down he pushed a curl out of Grantaire’s eyes, brushing his ice-cold skin and flinching back as if it were fire. He knew he was gone and even though felt his heartbreak when he’d first realised this, he swore it was crumbling into tiny pieces at that moment.  
Turning to face his friends a small laugh escaped his lips.  
“He would have hated this. Everyone crying. Especially when it’s about him. He could never deal with attention, especially when it was nice.” He hugged the coat he was holding tight to his chest and squeezed his eyes shut. It was the one Grantaire had wrapped around his shoulders the first night they’d felt this new thing for each other. It smelt exactly the same and for a split second he swore he could feel Grantaire’s arms embrace him but as he opened his eyes reality hit him and for the first time tears began to spill.  
“Grantaire is the most important thing in my life.” He began, his voice shaking as much as his legs. “Despite the fact I told him every day he never believed me, he couldn’t seem to grasp the fact that people care about him. That we would notice if he was gone.” A sob escaped him. Taking a deep breath he continued. “Of course we’d notice. He is the most giving person I know. He’ll help you, take care of you, believe in you… love you, and never ask for a thing in return. I will never understand the way he made me feel, things didn’t hurt so much, questions were easier to answer, every day was a little bit brighter when he was around. Even though I was horrible to him for years he still loved me unconditionally.” He closed his eyes gripping the coat tighter. “I still remember when he gave me this, you’d think it would be fuzzy after he introduced me to hard liquor.” A slight laugh echoed around the group. “But it’s not. He was so kind and gentle and loving, a side I’d never seen of him before and I remember thinking this is the kind of man I could fall in love with. Without him things never made as much sense, except now he’s not coming back to me. I just hope he knows how much I love him, how much I will always love him.” And with that Enjolras broke, his legs gave way from under him and he fell to the floor sobbing into the jacket.  
Combeferre ran up pulling him into a tight hug as his friend shook in his arms. Everything seemed so quiet, so miserable without their cynical friend and none of them could hold back the tears, no matter how hard they tried.

The grey headstone blended in with the grey sky, cold and lifeless. It wasn’t Grantaire at all. One by one the group headed home in pairs, unable to face the rest of the day alone. They had thought about having a party but somehow they couldn’t bring themselves to celebrate anything. As Combeferre was about to leave he placed his hand on Enjolras’s shoulder.  
“You shouldn’t be alone. Please come home with Courfeyrac and I. We’ll wait in the car and give you some time but you shouldn’t go back to your flat.” He sniffed, worried for his friend. Enjolras just shook his head.  
“I’ll be fine. I just need some time alone. If it makes you feel better you can check on me tonight. I won’t do anything.” His voice was completely monotone and void of its usual passion, as if something had died within him too.  
“I don’t care about making myself feel better, but I will check. You know we’re all here for you Enjolras. No matter how stupid or trivial you think it is, we care and we want to help.” He noticed a stray tear rolling down the blondes’ cheek and pulled him into another embrace.  
“Thank you.” Enjolras whispered, regaining his composure.  
He waited until his friends were out of sight before turning back to the headstone and staring at the harsh words carved into it. None of it was making any sense to him, the words didn’t look right. They could have been for anyone when they should have been specifically for his love.  
Placing his hand on top of the stone he flinched again, it reminded him too much of Grantaire’s skin in the coffin. Squeezing his eyes shut he tried to forget the image, Grantaire wasn’t still and cold. He was loving and full of life. As stars started to appear behind his eyelids he saw Grantaire smiling at him. They were sat in the Musain and Enjolras had just told him he loved him for the first time.  
He saw the sparkle in his brilliant blue eyes, the bounce of his curls, the slight blush on his cheeks, the smile that lit up the entire room.  
“What do I do?” He whispered to the man he imagined. “How do you expect me to just carry on?” No matter how hard he tried to hold onto it, the smiling man faded as he opened his eyes. “Please come back to me.” He choked out falling to his knees and resting his forehead against the stone. “Please, please, please.” He breathed. “Grantaire please don’t leave me, I don’t know if I can do this without you, please.” He continued to beg, clinging to the coat he held, as it was the only thing he was sure about.  
He could barely feel the rain as it carried on falling, soaking through his clothes. The cold of the headstone faded away, the noises around him turning into a dull hum. He could feel the softness of the fabric, it had been washed too many times and was fading but still held together better than any of his other clothes. He could smell the musk from it that was exactly the same as three years ago.  
As time passed the tears began to stop, his voice had grown hoarse from pleading and he continued to shake, except now it was from the cold. Not that he noticed. He felt a hand on his shoulder and wished he could imagine it was Grantaire, but he knew how his love would have comforted him and a hand on the shoulder was not it. He would have slid a warm hand over his cheek and cupped it gently before placing gentle kisses wherever he decided were best for that situation.  
“It’s only me.” Combeferre spoke softly, leaning down to lift his friend into his arms carrying him back to the car where Courfeyrac was waiting with a blanket. “I’m taking you home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. I hope you don't hate me too much! x


	13. I Miss You

Home for the next couple of weeks was Courfeyrac’s bed. In light of recent events the guide and centre had realised how deep their feelings for each other ran, leaving a bed free for their broken friend to use.  
Enjolras barely spoke other than to thank his friends for whatever generosity and kindness they had shown him that day. He ate, Combeferre made sure of that. He would even help clean, feeling horribly guilty for imposing on his friends in this way, but he couldn’t bear to return to his flat yet. Even just thinking about it made him ache; the entire place would be full of memories that he just couldn’t face.   
The rest of the group struggled to continue as normal. When Jehan received word that his first published book had become a New York Times best seller he could do nothing but sob. He still hadn’t repaid Grantaire for his help in getting his first poems published. This book contained multiple poems about him and a dedication that he would not compromise on during editing.  
Enjolras had tried to read one of the poems dedicated to his love but simply seeing his name was more than he could handle. He apologised to the poet, but he didn’t need to. Jehan understood completely, just the fact he had tried meant so much to him.  
Every night Enjolras would curl up hugging Grantaire’s jacket. He longed for his curls to run his fingers through, to hear his contented noises, feel his heat against him. After a week of crumbling into tears he would simply lay there, numb, unable to sleep until exhaustion took over and he dreamed of his love smiling at him.   
Every morning he would wake up with a smile, his dreams so blissful, and the smell of Grantaire surrounding him. Until he remembered Grantaire wasn’t there anymore and the ache in his chest would feel as if he was being crushed.   
He tried going to work, after graduation he had started helping his old lecturer, but he couldn’t concentrate. His mind wasn’t anywhere; there were no thoughts, just emptiness. When his lecturer asked what was going on with him he couldn’t answer.   
“Enjolras you’ve been so quiet, is everything okay?” His lecturer asked. Enjolras nodded, unable to do anything more.  
“Are you sure? This isn’t like you, the paper work you’re submitting is barely enough to scrape by and you haven’t spoken in weeks.” His voice was full of genuine concern as Enjolras had been his best pupil. Not one of his students had the passion of this young man and he knew if he continued to work hard at this internship he would go on to do great things. He once predicted that we would all be voting for him as president in the not so distant future.  
“My-“ His voice broke instantly. A mix of speaking for the first time in days, and dreading the rest of the sentence. “My boyfriend. He… he’s…” He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t say it. Looking up at his lecturer he saw understanding and didn’t need to hear another apology so he ran. All the way to Grantaire’s headstone and fell to his knees in front of it. “I don’t know what I’m doing Grantaire.” He said flatly.  
This wasn’t Enjolras; he didn’t run away from situations he ran towards them. He wasn’t silent, he argued, but nothing made sense. His arguments seemed silly, futile in the greater scheme of things as what would they really do? They wouldn’t bring his love back that was definite.  
Suddenly he understood Grantaire a little more. How easy it was to fall into cynicism. To believe that nothing you say or do will make the slightest bit of difference. “I need you.” He whispered. “Nothing makes any sense.” He let his head fall onto the cold stone, the feeling of which had become some sort of sick comfort to him. It reminded him of the last time he’d touched his love.   
“This isn’t me. I’m not me without you.” Heat bubbled inside him. “How could you just leave, we promised, you promised we’d do this together!” He felt the heat boil over. “You lied! You left me alone to face everything without you!” He screamed punching the headstone over and over until he collapsed into tears, his hands bloody. “I miss you so much. I can’t bear it.” 

Combeferre sighed as he walked towards the grave, seeing his friend in a now familiar position. He looked so vulnerable and despite seeing him this way on a daily basis it still shook him. He was worried. Health wise he was fine, but the day they lost Grantaire something had died inside them all and Combeferre wasn’t sure how little of Enjolras had survived.  
He placed a gentle hand on Enjolras’s shoulder letting him know it was him, as he always did. The lecturer had called and asked to speak to the blonde, see if he wanted to take the rest of the semester off and come back, with no questions asked, for the next one. After informing him he wasn’t home Combeferre knew exactly where to look and informed Courfeyrac immediately.   
They had a routine now. Combeferre would comfort Enjolras, bring him back to the car where Courfeyrac would wrap him up and bundle him into the backseat, holding him tight while Combeferre drove them home. Once there they would make him a hot drink, let him know that they are there if he needs anything at all before leaving him to just lie on his bed.  
They didn’t worry that he’d do something stupid. His movements had become automatic and once in his room all he did was lie there. At first they would sit with him, but after weeks of silence they decided it was probably best to leave him in peace. Despite this he would always eat with them, the conversations would be stilted, none of them able to think of anything to say. So once he’d finished he would wash their plates and return to his room.   
He barely cried anymore. That was the most worrying part. The rest of the group still burst into tears every now and again. They would meet up at Combeferres in the hope that Enjolras would join them, and he would, but as always he didn’t say a word. They couldn’t get mad at him though, he was trying, he helped out. They were all heartbroken, but none of them could comprehend what he was going through.   
On one of the occasions Enjolras did not join them they discussed how they could help him.  
“The one person he lets himself fall in love with, the one person he let in completely has gone. It’s just not right.” Feuilly sighed. The group mumbled their agreements.   
“I miss him.” Marius whispered, tears beginning to fall.  
“We all do.” Jehan croaked. They all felt lost, a month had passed since they lost their friend, but it felt as if Enjolras had gone with him that day and they didn’t know how to bring him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A wild Combeferre/ Courfeyrac ship appears! I like the idea of them together. Apologies to everyone whose heart I broke in the last chapter...thank you for not hating me too much! And thank you for reading and being so incredibly lovely and wonderful. xxx


	14. My Heart and Soul

He wasn’t sure what made that day different from any other, but something inside of him had told him to return to their flat. Grantaire had found it for them, they had been spending so much time together it seemed like a waste of money for them to keep their own places and so they decided to get a new place that was equally theirs.  
It was silent. Everything exactly as it had been when he’d left for the funeral. A picture of the pair smiled at him from the table by the door and he didn’t think it was possible, but he swore his heart broke even more as he slammed it down. For a while he just stood there, unsure if he wanted to go in any further or run the other way.  
Finally his feet decided to take him to their bedroom. Standing in the doorway he froze, memories he had tried so hard to forget flooding back.

Grantaire had been ill, very ill. He was deathly pale, horribly thin and had a cough that caused him to curl into a ball every time they shook his now tiny frame. Enjolras could picture them lying together on the bed. Grantaire curled into his side, their hands linked tightly over his chest as he rubbed Grantaire’s back softly to ease his coughing.  
“I love you Enjolras.” Grantaire whispered, his voice tiny.  
“I love you too Grantaire, more than anything.” Enjolras replied kissing him gently.  
He waited for the brunette to fall asleep, watching over him until he was sure he was peaceful before placing a soft kiss on the top of his head and drifting off himself.  
The next morning he woke feeling cooler than he had done for weeks. Reaching up he placed a gentle hand on Grantaire’s brow so not to wake him. His temperature had gone down; finally, his fever was breaking. Enjolras allowed a small smile of relief, but it wouldn’t stick. Something wasn’t quite right. He racked his brains to figure it out until it hit him so hard he couldn’t breath.  
Grantaire’s chest wasn’t moving.  
Enjolras shook him slightly, hoping he was just in a deep sleep.  
“Grantaire? Grantaire wake up.” He shook harder, getting desperate. “Grantaire come on this isn’t funny.” He forced a laugh rolling him onto his back and checking for a pulse. Nothing. Frantically he reached around for his phone, not taking his eyes off Grantaire while he dialled the now familiar number.  
“Mmm’ello?” Joly mumbled half asleep.  
“Joly. Grantaire, he- I think- Help.” He didn’t know what else to say.  
“I’m on my way.” Joly replied immediately calling for an ambulance as soon as he’d hung up.  
Enjolras wasn’t giving up that easily. He remembered the CPR lessons Joly had taught them all, just in case, and proceeded to go through the steps exactly as he’d been taught.  
After a few minutes he was pounding on Grantaire’s chest. “Wake up!” He screamed continuing even though he knew there was no point. He couldn’t give up.  
More time passed and he was vaguely aware of hands pulling him back and someone who was not Joly stepped towards Grantaire.  
“Get away from him, who are you?” The uniform hadn’t registered in his mind. He spun around to see Joly holding his arm gently then turned back to Grantaire, scared to take his eyes off him for a second longer. He would be okay. Everything would be fine.  
“Time of death 7.34am.”  
Enjolras’s world stopped. He stared at the paramedic in disbelief.  
“N-no.” He stammered. “You can’t just make that sort of decision so quickly, there’s still hope. There’s always hope! There has to be hope.”  
“I’m sorry but he’s been dead for a couple of hours by now. There’s nothing more we can do.”  
“Don’t say that!” He screamed turning to Joly with pleading eyes. “Tell him! Tell him Grantaire will be okay! Tell him Joly, please.” The tears streaming down his friends face told him everything he needed to know and he felt his world crumble beneath him as he collapsed to the floor a heart wrenching cry bringing Joly down to him.

Enjolras snapped as he started smashing the room to pieces, cries of anger and pain escaping him until he fell to his knees again, a slight stinging sensation causing him to look down to see a piece of glass embedded in his leg. It barely registered in his mind; he simply pulled the shard out and threw it violently against the wall watching it smash. He’d live, that was the problem.  
Something caught his eye from underneath the now upturned bed. It was a book he’d never seen before, the cover was bare but it was bursting at the seams. Leaning against the wall he flipped open the first page his heart aching as he saw Grantaire’s scrawl across the page.

_My dear Enjolras,_  
 _If you’re reading this, I must be dead. Then again I might have given it to you before that happens, but I’ve always wanted to write something like that. So how badly did you trash our place before you found this? Seeing as I hide it under the bed I’m going to guess you’re sat in the middle of a bombsite right now._  
 _There are some letters at the back for everyone, you know I’m useless at goodbyes but I wanted to say something. Could you please get them to our friends?_  
 _Right now you’re sleeping next to me. You look so peaceful, and adorable when you do that little snort you outright deny every morning. I like it though. To be honest I could fill this book with the things I love about you, the way your hair fans out around you, looking like a golden halo. The slight smile that gives you the most wonderful dimples when you’re having sweet dreams, the way you never let go of me for a second and whimper if I move too far away. I feel honoured to see you in such a vulnerable state, that you trust me enough to not take advantage. Oh, For the record you’re holding onto my leg right now and the soothing circles you usually rub are not quite so soothing on that part of the body. If I jump your bones when you wake up, you now know why._  
 _I suppose I should stop waffling and get to my point. I do have one if you can believe that._  
 _I have never understood why you fell for me. You’re perfection, I know you deny it but I truly can't find a single fault about you. People spout that love is blind rubbish, I don't agree with it, then again that might be because I'm so in love with you. You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes on, with so much passion and drive and love. You may not show it the way most people do but everyone knows how much you have to give. None more so than I. The past three years with you have been the greatest days of my life. Never have I felt happier, or more at home with anyone. You know exactly the right things to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry. You make me feel important, yes you finally got your point through! You make me feel like I’m worth something, like my life might actually amount to something._  
 _I never believed in anything but you, and that fact will never change, so please don’t stop fighting Enjolras. Don’t give up; you have so much left to give to this world, so much left to do. You must promise me that you will carry on, for the both of us. Don't just stop because I've gone. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for me because I know what your capable of and I can’t bear to think of that going to waste._  
 _I promise I will always be there watching over you. (Especially when you’re in the shower. Way to ruin a moment Grantaire, I know, but come on. Are you actually carved from marble? No one is that perfect. Except you are, you always have been.)_  
 _Above all else I will believe in you, my darling Enjolras I love you. I always have, and I always will, until the end of time._  
 _You have my heart and soul my love._  
 _Grantaire_  
 _Xxx_

By the time he’d finished reading it for a third time the tears had stopped. He had even managed a few small laughs. Turning the page he saw a drawing of the couple staring back at him, it was incredible and every single page had something just as beautiful. Some pages had a photograph of them as well as the drawing, some included the entire group, and some had little comments added at the bottom that managed to make him laugh again.  
He spent hours going over and over the pages, examining every detail of every page. The smudged finger prints, the curve of the writing. By the time Combeferre found him he could probably recite his letter verbatim.  
“What on earth happened?” Combeferre looked around the room his eyes wide. They settled briefly on the rip in Enjolras’s jeans and the now dried blood. “Should I even ask what happened there?”  
Enjolras looked around dumbly, taking in the mess he’d made before looking at his leg. It had stopped bleeding a long time ago but that was a ruined pair of jeans.  
“I don’t know. I wanted to come back, didn’t think what might happen when I was actually here. Turns out it was probably a bit too much to handle.” His voice was calm and extremely rough, the weeks of silence catching up on him. Combeferre slid down the wall next to him.  
“You sound like you’ve handled it okay. To be honest this is the best you’ve been in weeks. I’d say you’ve more than handled it.” He smiled a little.  
“Oh Combeferre I’m so sorry. It must have been awful being my friend for the past few weeks.” Enjolras looked at his guide his eyes full of apologies.  
“I understand, we all do. None of us have been much better. It is nice to have you speaking again, even if you do sound a bit like Batman.” They managed a little laugh between them. “So what’s changed? I swore I was going to find you at the grave again.”  
“Grantaire.” Enjolras replied simply, running his hand over the cover of the book. “He always knows exactly what to say.”  
Combeferre looked at the book, then back to Enjolras worried for a moment that his friend had completely lost it and started hallucinating. He was about to ask when Enjolras continued.  
“I found this, I don’t know when he put it together but it’s perfect.” He pulled the guide’s letter out. “He left this for you.”  
“Oh! Really? Huh, I didn’t expect that.” Combeferre turned the letter over in his hands looking at the scrawl of his name. “I’ll read it later. We should probably get you cleaned up.” He jumped up holding out a hand for his friend.  
“I think I want to move.” Enjolras said in a half daze. “I’m not sure I could cope living here alone.” He looked around the room images of Grantaire flooding at him from every direction. Closing his eyes tight he took a deep breath. “I definitely can’t cope.” He whispered calmly.  
“Okay, say the word and we’re all here to help. Even if you just want us sat outside while you go through stuff alone, that way you know if it does get too much you just need to shout. Whatever you want, we’re not going anywhere. I promise.” He placed a supportive hand on Enjolras’s arm. Now he was coming back to them he sure as hell wasn’t going to let him go again. The group had already lost one brother; he wasn’t going to let them loose another so soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This hurt to write. I don't know why I keep putting them through these things when I love them so! Thank you for all your wonderful comments, you really know how to make a girl smile xxx


	15. Vows

As the group settled in their usual spots they were surprised to see that Enjolras was joining them. He stood for a moment, hugging the book to his chest as everyone wondered would he actually stay?  
“I have something from Grantaire for you all.” He said quietly opening up the book before going around the group who all stared at their envelopes.   
“Where did you find these?” Joly looked up holding his envelope tightly.  
“I sort of, trashed the bedroom and found them under the bed.” He blushed a little finally taking a seat.  
“Oh. Are you okay?” Feuilly asked as the entire group studying the blonde.  
“Yeah. I just want to apologise to you all. You lost a friend and I haven’t been there to support any of you. I have been selfish and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.” He looked around them all calmly hoping they would accept his apology, or at least tell him how he could make it up to them. Instead he was greeted with raised eyebrows.  
“Are you seriously apologising?” Bossuet leant forward looking at their leader with nothing but confusion.  
“I understand a simple apology doesn’t justify my actions, but I hoped it would be a start.” Enjolras replied, thinking he’d pushed his friends too far this time.  
“You really are an absolute idiot.” Bahorel added.   
“Enjolras you lost the love of your life, are you actually apologising to us for grieving him?” Combeferre asked calmly.  
“I should have been there more for you all, I wasn’t the only person here to loose someone close.”   
“No but we still have the people we love.” Courfeyrac covered his mouth his eyes growing wide. “Oh god I didn’t mean it like that I meant you know Grantaire was, oh god.” He looked at Combeferre and whispered. “Help!”  
“What he means is you lost the most out of all of us, we didn’t need anyone else to look out for us, you needed us all. There is absolutely no need for an apology, we honestly expected you to be a lot worse.” Combeferre explained pulling a panicking Courfeyrac into his side and kissing his temple softly.  
Slowly Enjolras looked around the group who all nodded in agreement.  
“Thank you.” Enjolras turned to Courfeyrac. “You can stop worrying, I’m not going to shut myself away again. I’m okay.” He even managed a little smile to prove his point.  
“Can I go off topic?” Marius asked playing with his hands nervously.  
“Of course.” Jehan responded the group turning to him.  
“I, um, I asked Cosette to marry me.” He smiled a little obviously trying to hide his excitement.   
“Marius that’s wonderful news!” Jehan beamed hugging his friend everyone joining in with their congratulations, they didn’t manage to last long as everyone sat back going quiet.  
“Everyone else feels that right?” Joly bit his lip.  
“Yeah, wait let’s try it again. Marius, tell us your news.” Bossuet prompted.  
“Uh I asked Cosette to marry me? Oh she said yes by the way, maybe should have said that too before.”  
“Finally!” Courfeyrac tried, but it was useless. Grantaire’s absence hit them all again like a ton of bricks.  
“God I’m sorry I wanted to maybe bring some good news and I ruin everything.” Marius bit his lip fighting back his tears.  
“No you didn’t. We’re happy for you Marius It is very good news, have you set a date yet?” Enjolras could practically feel the hole in his heart as he thought back to his discussion with Grantaire on the subject.

 

“Would you ever get married?” Grantaire asked as he jumped onto the sofa next to the blonde.  
“I’ve never thought about it before, is it even legal for us?” Enjolras brought through their snacks sitting next to the brunette.  
“For us? Who said anything about us?” He beamed kissing the blonde passionately.  
“Why is there someone else?” Enjolras kissed down Grantaire’s neck softly.  
“If you keep that up there’ll never be another.” He moaned in response. Enjolras giggled pushing down Grantaire’s shirt to kiss along his collarbone knowing the exact spot that made the cynic melt.   
“I hope there’s no one else now.” He teased running his fingers through the dark curls and pulling him into another kiss.  
“I was only joking.” Grantaire panted. “I love you, I’ve never loved anyone but you.”   
“I know.” Enjolras smiled kissing his cheek. “Why do you ask?”  
“My sister got engaged yesterday and she asked about us, it got me thinking.” He curled into Enjolras’s side looking up at him.  
“I must congratulate her. Honestly I never thought I’d find someone that I’d love enough to marry. In my mind it is a religious ceremony that couples engage in to prove that they’re in love, most of which do not last. I could happily spend the rest of my life with one person without signing a piece of paper to do so… No offense to your sister.” He added quickly. Grantaire laughed.  
“None taken. What about the couples who aren’t religious? Who simply want to have a day dedicated to celebrating their love? To stand up and say I am in love with this man and in front of all my friends and family I vow to spend the rest of eternity with you, believing in you and loving you with all my heart.” Grantaire said calmly never looking away from Enjolras.  
“Hypothetically speaking.” Enjolras cleared his throat, the words seeming stuck by a lump that had inconveniently placed itself there. “I would happily stand in front of my friends and vow to never leave your side, never doubt you and let you know every single day, until the day I die, how much you’ve changed my life for the better and how every part of my being loves you more than anything in this world.” Slowly he leant down kissing Grantaire softly, wrapping his arms tightly around the brunette’s waist and pulling him close.   
Grantaire beamed placing his hand over Enjolras’s heart, the other winding its way into his golden curls.  
“Did we just get married?” He whispered, his eyes remaining closed as he rubbed his nose against Enjolras’s.  
“If not I think we just wrote our vows.” Enjolras giggled kissing him again.

 

“Enjolras?” Combeferre shook his friend a little who practically jumped out of his skin, looking around the group who were all watching him with worried expressions.  
“Sorry, did I miss something?” He shook his head trying to focus.  
“Only Marius waffling about his wedding.” Bahorel smiled nudging Marius.  
“We haven’t set a date yet, that was all I said. I may have mentioned that I’m going to let Cosette make the decisions as it’s her day.” Marius responded pushing Bahorel back.  
“He’s off again.” He laughed pulling his now blushing friend into a light headlock. The group joined in, watching as Marius tried to escape but eventually gave up and just sat there making quite the picture. Enjolras smiled, it was nice to hear laughter in the group again after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With Enjolras a little happier I thought I should maybe stop breaking peoples hearts so much! I wanted to explain why I made Grantaire's death come out of nowhere, I feel like I'm writing it sort of from E and R's perspective and that's how they would see it. Death always hits people like a ton of bricks no matter how prepared you think you are.   
>  I haven't skipped the whole two years though, as you've seen I'm going to keep throwing in flashbacks. So yeah! I guess I wanted to let you know I didn't break your hearts for no reason! And thank you for reading and commenting, there are a little group of you who always leave comments and always make me smile and I love you all very very much. You've really been making a rubbish week a lot better. xxx


	16. I'm Trying

“Enjolras, what’s wrong?” Marius looked at his friend confused.  
“Nothing. I um. I actually wondered if I could ask for a favour.” He replied looking a little nervous.  
“Oh sure, come in.” Marius led him to the sofa taking a seat next to him. “So what can I help you with?”  
“This might be completely out of line, please tell me if it is, but I was wondering would it be possible for you to get me a meeting with the Mayor. I want to start trying to make a difference again. There are only so many minds I can influence through teaching, if I could make a name for myself think of the things I could do.”   
Marius watched as his friend’s eyes began to sparkle a little.  
“I’ll try. I don’t know what I can do exactly but I will try.” He wanted to help Enjolras, of course he did, but there was the selfish side to him that thought if he did this their friend would come back to them. He hadn’t been coping very well with essentially loosing two friends in one blow.  
“Thank you Marius. I really appreciate it, if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.”   
“I haven’t got you the meeting yet so don’t start thanking me!” Marius smiled. “How’s the apartment search going?”   
“Okay, Grantaire was much better at it though he knew what questions to ask, what to look for. I get stuck after ‘is there a bed?’ I just don’t have the patience to listen to what type of wood grain the floor is and how it does whatever it’s meant to do.” He was also trying to delay the move as much as possible as it meant he’d have to pack up Grantaire’s things.  
“We can help if you want. Let them waffle to us and report back what you need to know.” Marius offered. Enjolras smiled sadly.  
“That’s what Grantaire would do. Thank you, but I need to start looking after myself.”  
“Okay, if you change your mind you only have to ask.” A knock at the door interrupted their conversation. “I’m not ready yet!” Marius panicked running to the mirror and trying to flatten his hair, which was currently sticking in every direction.  
“If it’s Cosette she’s already said yes, you don’t need to worry so much. If not, I don’t want to know.” Enjolras watched as Marius blushed.  
“Of course it’s Cosette! I’m not just going to start slacking off now.” He sighed giving up on his hair and opening the door. As they embraced Enjolras stood to leave.  
“You don’t have to leave on my behalf. It’s lovely to see you out.” Cosette said softly.   
“I don’t want to impose.” That, and watching them embrace made the pain in his chest return. He was happy for them, truly, but the sting of returning to an empty flat, of knowing he would never again get to embrace Grantaire in that way was too much. “I’ll see you soon.” He said quickly, avoiding looking at either of them as tears began to form.  
“Enjolras you don’t have to go.” Marius called after him, but he was already out of the building by then. “Cosette, I have a great favour to ask of you but it’s very important. It’s for Enjolras.”  
“In that case I will do everything in my power to help.” She smiled kissing him.

As Enjolras walked home he tried to calm his mind. He’d been doing well, after finding the book yesterday he had a peaceful nights sleep and spent the day planning his next move. Then his loss was thrown in his face. He didn’t blame Marius, it wasn’t his fault he was happy and in love, which made it worse. There was no one to blame. He let his feet lead him, not thinking where he was going, yet at the same time knowing where he would end up and as he saw the grey headstone he let out a small laugh. Of course this was where he would go.   
Kneeling down he placed his hand on top of the stone as always.  
“I found your book.” He started, trying to get his thoughts in line. It was useless though, they were all over the place. “When did you do all of that? It’s beautiful, thank you... I’m going to try and get a job at the mayor’s office, it might not happen, but I’m trying. You can see that can’t you? Can you? Are you… around? I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in Angels but death can’t be it. Finished.” He looked around, for what he wasn’t entirely sure. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to not give up? I feel like there’s a part of me missing and every time something reminds me of you it just gets bigger, it hurts more and you’re not there to make it better any more.” Enjolras leant his head on the cold stone, he had so many questions, and so many things he wanted to tell Grantaire, to hear his response to. “Will I ever be happy again? I mean I am happy for Marius, oh he’s getting married by the way, big surprise, I know. It’s just every time I see him with Cosette, or Courf with Combeferre it hurts because I can’t be with you. Oh I guess you missed that one too, they fit surprisingly well actually. If you’d seen how much Combeferre’s calmed him down you’d probably die of shock.” He managed a little laugh. “I think I understand what you said about wanting to follow your mother.” His voice lowered to barely a whisper. “I don't think I can take it anymore Grantaire. I want to follow you more than anything.” He closed his eyes letting out a deep sigh, jumping as his phone vibrated in his pocket. Pulling it out he saw his background flash up, a picture of Grantaire smiling at him with nothing but love and belief in his eyes. Slowly he looked around before answering. “Hello?”  
“Hi Enjolras it’s Cosette.” Her voice was soothing, pulling him out of his daze a little.  
“Oh hi. Is everything okay?” Enjolras was confused, why would Cosette be calling him?  
“Marius mentioned you asked him for a favour.” It clicked. “I asked Papa and he wondered if you could meet with him tomorrow morning at 8am. I know it’s early but it means you can talk before the rest of the office comes in and he’s very eager to meet you.”   
“Really!? That’s perfect. Thank you so much Cosette if there is anything at all I can do for y…”   
“If this makes you happy that is thanks enough for both Marius and I.” She cut him off gently.   
“Thank you.” He repeated before they said their goodbyes. Holding the phone against his chest he looked at the headstone. “Okay, I promise I won’t try to follow you anytime soon.” He kissed his fingers before placing them on top of the stone. “I love you.”

At 7.45am the next day Enjolras was stood outside the mayors office in his best suit. Before leavings he had thrown on one of Grantaire’s tops underneath his shirt and wasn’t entirely sure why. He wasn’t at all superstitious but something about it calmed his nerves that he was struggling to keep under control. Taking a deep breath he knocked on the door.  
“Mr. Enjolras.” Mayor Madeleine smiled. “Please come in, take a seat.” They shook hands before sitting on either side of his impressive and intimidating desk. “My daughter has told me a lot about you, she was very insistent I had this meeting with you as soon as possible.”  
“You’re daughter is extremely kind sir.” Although he knew this was true he couldn’t help but worry about the things Cosette had said about him.  
“So what can I do for you?” Mayor Madeleine clasped his hands together placing them onto his desk, a very authoritative move Enjolras thought.  
“I was wondering if there were any opportunities available within your office. I graduated at the top of my class from NYU majoring in Politics with a minor in Law and Society. I have been teaching my old class along with my Professor but I want to make an impact, make a difference in this world. I support most of your policies and I kno…” He was off on one of his speeches, the spark back in his eyes when the Mayor interrupted him.  
“Most of my policies? Why not all?” He asked calmly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.  
“Well sir with all due respect your move against the gay rights movement was a mistake and the handling of last years budget cuts could have been better.” He wasn’t going to beat around the bush, of course he wanted to influence change, but he wouldn’t support something he didn’t believe in to do so. If that were a problem he would find another way.  
“No one has ever spoken to me like that before.” The smile had faded, but his voice was still completely calm.  
“I don’t see the benefits of lying. That simply causes you to repeat your mistakes as no one pointed them out the first time around.” Enjolras replied, his voice strong and certain despite the fact the Mayor was examining him carefully.  
“You make a good point. Unfortunately we don’t have any available positions at the moment.” Enjolras felt himself deflate. “However I want you to be a part of my team. I need someone who will speak honestly, who knows what they are talking about and who has the best interests of the people at heart. I know you are that man. I will see what I can do and be in contact before the end of the week to offer you something; we can negotiate more on that later.” He extended his hand to Enjolras. “Are you interested?” A warm smile spread over his features.  
“Yes sir! Thank you.” Enjolras beamed shaking his hand. “I will not disappoint you.” He said firmly.  
“I know. Now I have a busy day ahead so if you wouldn’t mind I need to start my work. It has been a pleasure meeting you though, and I thoroughly look forward to working with you.” The mayor stood placing a supportive hand on Enjolras’s shoulder.   
“Thank you sir.” He smiled leaving the office.  
Once outside he took a deep breath the first signs of hope sparkling in his eyes again. All was not lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to come up with more creative ways to say thank you! For now here's the usual Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! So I have a question, would you guys be interested in reading the letters from Grantaire? I won't include them in this story (I think) but if you wanted it I might post them up as stand alone pieces. Thoughts? I hope you're having a wonderful day xxx


	17. Silence

Enjolras sat in his apartment in complete silence. It was his first night alone since Grantaire had gone and he wasn’t sure how long he would last. Combferre had offered to sleep on the sofa, just so he wasn’t completely alone, but he had insisted he was ready and that everything was okay. Besides, he’d have to sleep on the sofa after his little outburst so there was no room anyway.  
He loosened his tie and took a swig of the beer he’d found left in the fridge. It tasted awful, how Grantaire drunk this stuff he would never understand. Then again the hazy effect it draped over him started to explain it. Looking around the room he remembered the countless nights the group had spent together, with Grantaire curled around his feet. Everyone laughing and joking, would they ever get back to that? Would they ever be that group again or would they always feel like something, someone was missing?  
He let out a deep sigh letting his head fall onto the back of the sofa. The last time he had been here alone Grantaire had been in hospital. Enjolras let out a quiet curse. He’d been doing so well keeping the memories at bay, then his mind had to go and betray him. 

The night was so cold and Enjolras had been kicked out of the hospital for the night. He wasn’t meant to be staying there every other night but the nurses allowed it, until their superior found out and kicked up a fuss. Flinging his coat over the chair he slumped down, counting the hours until he could return, hoping that nothing changed. Or it at least changed for the better.  
Someone knocked on his door; so quiet he thought he might have been hearing things. On opening it he saw a shivering Grantaire looking back at him.  
“Christ Grantaire what are you doing here!?” Enjolras pulled the brunette in wrapping a blanket around him immediately.  
“I wasn’t going to die alone in some hospital.” He replied snuggling into Enjolras’s warmth.  
“You’re not going to die.” The blonde said sternly kissing the top of his head and bundling him into bed.  
“Fine, I didn’t want to spend a single night away from you when we don’t know how many either of us have left.” He smirked knowing the blonde couldn’t argue with that.  
“You could have called, I could have come and picked you up so you didn’t freeze.” Enjolras sighed climbing in next to him allowing Grantaire to nuzzle into his usual position.  
“I don’t know what everyone’s going on about. I thought it was quite nice out.” He placed a gentle kiss on Enjolras’s chest making the blonde relax.  
“That’s because you’re fever is through the roof.” He tried to calm his voice but there was a slight wobble to it.  
“Details.” Grantaire giggled before curling up as coughs shook him. Enjolras rubbed his back gently whispering calmly to him.  
“You’re okay. I’ve got you, I won’t let anything happen to you.” He would place a soft kiss in between every statement until Grantaire calmed and kissed his hand softly before linking them over Enjolras’s chest.  
“I love you Enjolras.” Grantaire whispered.  
“I love you too Grantaire, more than anything.”

“No!” Enjolras screamed. He wouldn’t let himself indulge in this anymore, especially not that memory. The bedroom was a reminder of what would happen if he did. Finishing the bottle he set about finding something to distract him, his eyes settling on the book. Slowly he started to leaf through, reading his letter over a couple more times, even though he knew it by heart already.  
He hadn’t realised how comforting the sounds of Combeferre pottering around had become. How hearing them talk, even if he couldn’t hear the words, had started to soothe him to sleep when the thoughts he had were too much. The silence that now surrounded him was crushing. Closing his eyes tight he breathed deeply, trying to calm himself. He was strong. He could do this. Other people could cope in an apartment alone so why couldn’t he? Because you lost the love of your life, a small voice reminded him, and he’s never coming back to fill the emptiness.  
Squeezing his eyes tighter he rubbed at his temples a stray tear rolling down his cheek. Wiping it away quickly he became angry with himself. It had been months, why was he still crying; surely things should be easier by now. Sure, the day-to-day activities were easier to do; he didn’t need to force every single movement anymore. His thoughts were clearer, he could actually process them without wanting to break down, but the hole he felt wasn’t going away. Every day when he woke up alone he felt the edges tear a little. When he saw Grantaire’s clothes hanging there unworn, another rip. When he saw a couple together, another. When he remembered all the things he would never get to do again it took over him.  
He knew thinking like this was dangerous but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help wanting to just feel Grantaire next to him, see his smile, hear his voice. How did it even sound? Curling up on the sofa he let the tears fall freely. He couldn’t do this. All he wanted was Grantaire. Was that really too much to ask?  
Before he realised what he was doing his feet had led him to the bathroom where he stared at the contents of their medicine cabinet. The shelves were lined with all the pills Grantaire had been prescribed and with a shaky hand Enjolras pulled out one at random. Sitting back on the sofa he finished another beer, wincing at the taste. Even after three years he still made the same face that Grantaire would always laugh at before downing his drink without even flinching.  
Staring at the medicine bottle Enjolras began to shake all over. It would be so easy, take the pills, go to sleep, be reunited with Grantaire. Problem solved. His eyes flickered to the book for a second. He’d said he’d try, but then Grantaire had promised to stay with him so what was one more broken promise?  
Tipping the contents of the bottle into his hand he stared at the pills. How many would it take? How long would it be before he was back with his love? When he could hold him again, and kiss him and tell him how much he loved him. Just a few pills, that was all it would take.

\-------------

Combeferre jumped as his phone vibrated in his pocket, Courfeyrac laughing at him before the blushing guide pushed him over.  
“You’re so cute when you get scared.” Courfeyrac giggled.  
“I wasn’t scared.” He leant over to kiss the still giggling man to shut him up.  
“You might want to answer that.”  
“Oh yeah. Hello?” Combeferre waited for an answer but no one replied. “Hello? Is anyone there?” Looking down at his phone he saw Enjolras’s number and started to worry. ‘Enjolras? What’s wrong? Talk to me.” Even Courfeyrac stopped laughing to watch the other mans reaction.  
“Ferre. I- I can’t do this.” Enjolras sobbed down the phone.  
“I’m on my way, just give me five minutes and I’ll be there.” He pulled Courfeyrac to the car as he passed him the phone. All they could hear was crying, but at least they knew he was okay that way. “I knew it was too soon for him to go it alone.” He cursed running up the stairs.  
“It’s not your fault, he was adamant.” Courfeyrac rubbed his back softly pulling out his key to the apartment. Slowly Combeferre went over to Enjolras blinking back his tears when he saw what was in his hand.  
Enjolras hadn’t done anything, he had sat staring at the pills willing himself to swallow them, but something kept stopping him. He wasn’t sure how much longer that would have lasted. Looking up he saw Combeferre holding out his hand, tears threatening to spill and slowly he tipped them into his friends’ hand.  
“I’m so sorry.” He whispered.  
“What have you done?” Combeferre asked throwing away the pills and sitting next to him, Courfeyrac on the other side.  
“Nothing. I had a couple of beers and then… then I started thinking. It was so quiet. I didn’t know what to do.” Enjolras was still staring at his hand not quite able to comprehend what he was planning. “I’m so sorry.” He repeated.  
“It’s okay.” Combeferre pulled him into a tight hug looking at Courfeyrac his eyes full of worry.  
“We’re here now, we won’t let anything happen to you.” Courfeyrac added.  
Enjolras broke. I won’t let anything happen to you ringing in his ears. He had let something happen to Grantaire, he had let him die in his arms while he slept peacefully, and unaware of the fact his love was fading away. How could he do that, how could he blame Grantaire for leaving when he had just let him go?  
The guide and centre looked at each other in shock. Enjolras still sobbing didn’t realise he had mumbled his thoughts and the couple didn’t know what to do or say. The pain Enjolras had been hiding was so much more than they had thought, but he had come so far. They couldn’t let him fall back again now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guess what, THANK YOU! I couldn't believe how many of you wanted to read the letters so I started a series for which you can find here: http://archiveofourown.org/series/42873 I hope they don't disappoint!  
> I can only apologise for this chapter, it seems I can't stop hurting them even though I love them! xx


	18. The Chief, Guide and Centre

“I can’t believe he even considered it.” Combeferre sighed watching over his now sleeping friend. “This isn’t like him.”   
“He isn’t himself, you know that. “ Courfeyrac replied curling around the guide, neither of them taking their eyes off the blonde.  
“I know, but suicide? We have to do something Courf. Maybe he needs professional help, this could finally be something our group can’t handle alone.” He wrapped his arm tightly around the centre kissing his temple.  
“He’s barely spoken to us, I doubt he’d speak to a total stranger about anything. Maybe we should try talking to him first… you know any talking would be a start from him.”   
“True. Should we tell the others?” Combferre bit his lip.  
“You know I can hear you.” Enjolras grumbled half asleep.  
“Oh.” The couple looked between themselves running over everything they’d said, trying to work out if there was anything out of line. “We didn’t know you were awake.” Combeferre explained.  
“I figured that much.” He sat up pinching the bridge of his nose and completely avoiding eye contact with them. “I don’t want professional help… but you’re right. Talking might help.” Looking up at them with red-rimmed eyes he struggled to hold back tears that began to form. “I’m so sorry.” He looked away quickly, continuing before they could reply. “I started thinking about all the things I would never get to do again. Simple things that you take for granted you know? The feel of him against me, his smell, the sound of his voice, his laugh, the way his hair felt between my fingers, the way that would turn him into putty.” He wiped away his tears before running a shaky hand through his hair.  
“You don’t need to apologise. I’m proud of you for calling me before you did anything.” Combeferre moved placing a supportive hand on his arm. “And thinking about those things is fine, but why don’t you remember how many times you’ve been able to do them, instead of the times you won’t? It might not work, but it’s worth a try.”   
Enjolras nodded smiling ever so slightly. Combeferre and Courfeyrac had a silent discussion between themselves while their friend was oblivious. Eventually Courfeyrac nodded and Combeferre turned back to try and approach their next question.  
“Do you remember what you said after we arrived?” He began.  
“I apologised and told you what I’d done.” Enjolras replied simply.  
“Do you remember anything else?” Courfeyrac prompted. The shake of the blondes’ head caused them both to take a deep breath before continuing.  
“You mentioned your thoughts on the way you’d let Grantaire die. We don’t agree! We just didn’t realise you thought this.” They watched Enjolras’ reaction carefully.  
‘I didn’t mean to say that.” His voice was cold. “But I do think that, and so should you. I play the victim but I would completely understand if you blamed me for this entire situation.” There was emptiness behind his eyes that struck the pair into complete silence. Neither of them were doing a good job at processing the events of that night.  
“We don’t blame you Enjolras. We could never blame you. We know you would never allow this to happen to Grantaire.” Combeferre rubbed his arm before Enjolras hit his hand away.  
“But I did allow it to happen! I slept with him in my arms while he died! I was there, I could have done something, called Joly sooner, called a doctor, or, oh I don’t know, taken him back to the goddamn hospital!” He shouted pacing with anger. His friends were silent, struggling to find words of comfort, as everything he had just said was true.  
“He had been in the hospital for weeks Enjolras, he was sick, we all knew it was coming. He died happy, he died with you, would you have preferred returning to the hospital in the morning only to have been told he had died completely alone, with no one around to comfort him? If you had been in his position would you have preferred your last sight to be his face, or blank white walls in a room you don’t know? Because I know which one I’d prefer. Maybe if you had called Joly he could have survived a few more days, if you’d taken him back to the hospital, another week, but another month we’d be in this situation. Or it might have made no difference at all, we don’t know! And going against his wishes to be with you wouldn’t have helped the situation at all. There was nothing any of us could have done Enjolras and blaming yourself, even if you believe it to be the absolute truth, will help no one, least of all yourself. You proved that tonight when you almost took your own life!” Combeferre didn’t mean to end up shouting at his best friend but as the tears streamed down his face he couldn’t help it. He was angry, and worried, and exhausted and like their chief, just wanted their friend back.   
Enjolras stopped pacing, staring at his guide the tears streaming steadily, even though his mind had calmed. Courfeyrac looked between them in their stand off, hoping he wasn’t going to have to break up a fight on top of everything else. As they flung themselves at each other he tensed up before letting out a giant sigh of relief at seeing their desperate embrace. Clinging at each other’s shirts while their tears soaked the fabric. With the thoughts people had kept inside for months now out in the open the tension seemed to ease in the room and even Courfeyrac let himself cry.  
Within the hour the three of them were fast asleep tangled together on the sofa. Courfeyrac’s head was in Combeferre’s lap his one hand above his head, linked with Enjolras, the other on his chest entwined with his love. While Combeferre had his free arm around Enjolras’s shoulders, his head leaning back against the sofa with Enjolras’ resting on his shoulder. They would feel it in the morning, but at that moment the comfort they had found outweighed moving.

 

Enjolras was the first to wake in the early hours of the morning, no matter how hard he tried a good nights sleep hadn’t come to him for months and today was apparently going to be no different. He groaned quietly rubbing his neck, which was horribly stiff and winced when it clicked. Looking at the table he saw the empty bottle of pills and beer.  
“You idiot.” He breathed closing his eyes. He still wanted to see Grantaire, more than anything, but in the clearness of the morning he couldn’t believe that had even come up as an option, let alone as a potential course of action. He had seen first hand the effect Grantaire’s death had on the group and yet he nearly went and put them through it all again. A string of curses toward himself flew through his mind and he pinched the bridge of his nose to try and ease his headache.  
Opening his eyes he noticed his phone flashing at him, alerting him of a new voicemail. He looked at it confused; there was no missed call, then again his phone was so old he was still surprised when he successfully received anything though it. Pressing the button to listen he froze as he heard the voice on the other end.  
“You never pick up your damn phone! Actually I’m kind of glad this time though because I can say what I want without you interrupting me. You just left the hospital and I miss you already, it’s lonely here without you. Too quiet. Too cold. Even if you were just sleeping next to me the sound of your breathing was calming. I think I’m going to come home, I can feel it Enjolras, I’m not going to be around much longer and I’m scared. Scared that you won’t be here when it all ends, scared that no one will. After we got together the fear of dying alone went away, now it’s back again and I’m terrified.” Enjolras covered his mouth to stop the sobs as he heard Grantaire’s voice break before descending into tears. “Fuck it. I’m coming home. Don’t argue I’m scared and I just want to be with you. I need to be with you.” A small laugh escaped the brunette. “I love you so much.” Silent sobs shook Enjolras, he wasn’t sure if it was entirely out of sadness though. Hearing Grantaire laugh again, just hearing his voice. Hearing him say I love you made his heart soar, but hearing him so scared and alone hurt.  
He felt the hand in his squeeze tightly and the arm around his shoulder pull him close with whispered words of comfort.  
“I didn’t mean to wake you.” He choked out between sobs.  
“It’s okay, do you want to talk?” Combeferre replied softly. Enjolras shook his head, unable to process his thoughts at that moment. Instead he put his phone on speaker and played them the message. After they’d heard it five times over Combeferre had two crying people to comfort as he struggled to hold his own tears back.   
“We should have been there more.” Courfeyrac whimpered.  
“I shouldn’t have left him.” Enjolras added.  
“Okay that’s enough.” Combeferre stood up quickly, almost knocking Courfeyrac onto the floor in the process. “What’s done is done. We can’t go and change anything so we need to accept what happened and start moving on. It’s hard. I know. But we’ve all dealt with loss before and we’ve all come out the other side, and this time around we all have each other to help. I can’t stand anymore should ofs, or could ofs or would ofs because they’re not helping.” He wasn’t angry this time and if he came across as insensitive he didn’t mean to. He just wanted his friends, his love, to stop finding ways to blame themselves for something that was out of their control.  
The trio fell into silence, accepting that Combeferre was right but unsure of where to go next.  
‘How come you only just heard it?” Courfeyrac asked.  
“My phone hates me.” Enjolras smiled flipping it open and shut. “It’s done it before, I once got a voicemail from you a year after you left it and got very confused when you were telling me things I already knew. Until I heard the date it had been left, then things were explained.”   
“So that’s why you didn’t know what I was going on about. I assumed you’d just had sex and weren’t really with it.” Courfeyrac shrugged.  
“I wouldn’t completely discount that theory knowing those two.” Combeferre smiled making them all start grinning. Enjolras’ faded far too quickly for his liking.  
“Am I ever going to be happy again?” He asked no one in particular.  
“Yes, of course you are. It just takes time.” Combeferre sat back down letting Courfeyrac curl into his side.   
“Everything just seems so dull without him.” Enjolras sighed picking up his phone once more and listening to the message, just so he could hear Grantaire say I love you again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I thank you all on every chapter but I wanted to add a bit more this time. I also wanted to apologise for being rubbish when it comes to replying to comments, they really do mean the world to me, you always say such lovely things that make me want to keep writing and keep smiling, the latter of which has been pretty hard to do this week.   
> That's why I'm always so appreciative of your comments, because honestly, they really do brighten up my days.   
> There are some specific people that always comment and I really look forward to hearing your thoughts, and when I'm writing I have you in mind, hoping that you'll enjoy it. grantairesunderwear and JJ in particular have actually inspired parts of the story as well as Illyse, Do_You_Permit_It7 and xTheHarlequinDevilx who always leave such wonderful words. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.   
> I suddenly feel a bit like Grantaire, there needs to be a joke in here somewhere to lighten things up a little, especially after the angst I keep putting your poor hearts through!   
> I love you all x


	19. Perfect

“You look ridiculous.” Enjolras laughed as Grantaire left the changing room in a bright blue suit and garish multi coloured waistcoat peeping out underneath.  
“I think it quite suits me. Haha get it? Suit. I’m so much funnier with alcohol.” He posed in front of the mirror, putting his hands on his waist to pull back the jacket and show more of the horrendous waistcoat. Enjolras was doubled over in laughter, this was the third suit he had seen and they got worse every time.   
“I think you’re funnier without. I also think you need to try on the one I picked, so let’s just skip to the part where I’m right.” He teased sitting back in the chair.  
“I have two more creations to debut and then we get to you being right. This is too much fun to stop.” He kissed Enjolras gently. “Plus I like seeing the mix of completely humiliation and disbelief every time I step out in something worse than the last one.” He smiled closing the curtain behind him again.  
“That’s because I genuinely don’t think you can chose anything worse and yet every time it’s hideous!” Enjolras smiled checking his phone and replying to a couple of emails while he waited. Hearing the curtain draw back he looked up and nearly howled with laughter. Grantaire was stood in an electric pink suit with a neon green shirt and a yellow polka dot waistcoat.  
“It’s my best work yet.” He laughed walking over to the blonde.  
“There are no words.” Enjolras managed to get out between gasping for air. “Please take it off.”  
“Is that an offer?” Grantaire winked.  
“Not in that it's not."  
Grantaire pouted returning to the changing room as Enjolras looked at the ties. He heard the curtain draw back again and braced himself for the next ‘creation.’ Turning around he swore his heart stopped as Grantaire stood in a perfectly fitted black tuxedo, his white shirt undone to reveal just enough of his chest to make Enjolras’ thoughts not suitable for public places.  
“I thought you had another one before mine.” His voice was thick with lust as he eyed his love.  
“I just wanted to see what I looked like.” Grantaire smiled enjoying this reaction.  
“You look incredible Grantaire. Just one more thing.” He walked over putting a skinny black tie on him, kissing him softly and turning him to the mirror. “You’re perfect.” He sighed. Grantaire blushed looking at himself. He did look good; then again everyone did in a suit.  
“I guess it’s okay.” He mumbled, suddenly getting a bit self-conscious. “You should try yours on now.” Grantaire pushed the blonde into the changing room trying to divert the attention away from him and waited while Enjolras changed.  
“Will I do?” Enjolras asked as he emerged in his own fitted tuxedo, except he had a bow tie. Grantaire sighed looking him up and down.  
“We should just get married now.” He blurted out. Enjolras laughed kissing his cheek.  
“Let’s get through graduation first and then talk marriage.” They smiled, looking in the mirror hand in hand before Grantaire ran to his rucksack, pulling out the camera he always carried with him.  
“I know, you hate it, but just one photo. Please?” He put on his sweetest smile that made Enjolras melt every time, with the addition of the suit he probably would have done anything the brunette asked without a second thought.  
“Okay then.” He beamed kissing Grantaires’ cheek as the photo was taken.  
‘Perfect.” Grantaire beamed.

 

Enjolras sighed running his hand over the suit bag. It had been worn once, for their graduation ceremony and kept in their closet until then. Grantaire kept saying there was no point in keeping it but Enjolras wanted him to wait just a little longer, after all he never knew when a wedding might pop up.  
He folded it up carefully placing it on the ‘keep’ pile, which was pretty much everything at that moment. He could hear the rest of the group bustling about in the kitchen, this time around he had actually asked them for help, not wanting to risk a repeat of his last breakdown. It had been a month since that night and he thought he was coping okay. His new job at the mayor’s office kept him busy, the hours were long but he would insist on doing over time every single night as well as going in on weekends. He had found something to get passionate about again and in typical Enjolras style he threw his everything into it.  
Jehan appeared in the doorway looking at the piles the blonde had made.  
“Are you throwing away anything?” He asked quietly. Enjolras looked around him picking up an old shirt that was more holes than material.  
“This and um-“ He couldn’t find anything else. Jehan smiled slightly.  
“We found something.” The poet announced, pulling Enjolras with him to the kitchen. On the counter was a little black box. The group were gathered around it looking at the blonde with concern. The last thing they expected was for him to burst out into laughter. He opened it looking at the band of silver inside. There was an inscription around the centre. ‘Above all else, I believe in you- R. x’ Even though tears started to fall he couldn’t stop laughing.  
“Um, Enjolras. We’re glad you’re not upset but… why are you laughing?” Combeferre asked tentatively not wanting to push him too far. Enjolras disappeared into the bedroom before returning with another little black box. Opening it they saw an almost identical band, except this one had two bands of matte silver on either side. Enjolras had decided the normal silver was too traditional for Grantaire.  
“I had no idea he’d got me this. I was going to propose, it looks like he had the same plan.” He couldn’t work out how he felt. On the one hand it amused him that they had become so in sync with each other that their plans matched completely. He also wondered how the proposal would have gone, who would have done it first? On the other hand it hurt, knowing that they had these plans that would never happen. For that moment at least he chose to see the good side of things. That no one could doubt their love.  
“That’s so sweet.” Jehan sighed looking at the two rings.  
“Did any of you know?” Enjolras asked after examining the ring again.  
“I had an inckling.” Combeferre said quietly.  
“I knew.” Courfeyrac added. “We talked about it. He showed me the ring but when he got sick I didn’t know what his plans were anymore.”   
“How come you didn’t tell anyone?” Feuilly asked, hoping it wasn’t that he had told everyone else.  
“I felt like a hypocrite. I’d been saying how marriage was simply a restriction placed on couples by the church and there I was picking out an engagement ring for the man I used to loathe.” The group couldn’t help but laugh at the entire situation. None of them ever thought they’d end up together, and the idea of Enjolras ever proposing was quite frankly ridiculous. But as they looked at the two rings together it seemed almost perfect.  
“There might have been a lot of I told you so’s.” Bossuet joked.  
“I can’t say I would have blamed you.” Enjolras smiled. “Would it be wrong if I wore the ring? Or do you think I should leave it because he never actually asked me?”  
“Enjolras I love you, I really do but stop being so dense.” Bahorel replied instantly making the chief blush.  
He twisted the ring around, reading the inscription a couple more times before slipping it onto his finger. It fit perfectly, of course it did. A strange mix of emotions ran though him, sadness that it had not been presented the way Grantaire had intended, but an overall joy that he now had something he could keep on him for eternity to remind him, and everyone else of the love they shared.


	20. Wedding Bells are Ringing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I've written 20 chapters already! I have never managed to carry on with a story this long and I don't intend to stop any time soon so I hope you're not bored! Again, thank you for your kind words. I hope you're having the most wonderful day xxx

Enjolras sat on the uncomfortable wooden seat his suit feeling too hot, the room feeling too stuffy. He wasn’t sure if it was just his mind playing tricks on him or if he was actually boiling out of his skin. The last time he had been somewhere like this he had said goodbye to the love of his life, and trying to push back those memories was proving harder than he’d thought. Looking around at the other smiling wedding guests he tried to calm himself. Out the corner of his eye he noticed a handsome man staring at him and smiled back before turning to face forward again. Combeferre joined him watching the usually still man fidget.  
“Are you okay?”  
“Just hot.” Enjolras replied trying to sit still.  
“You know Marius won’t mind if you leave. He’ll understand.” Combeferre placed a gentle hand on his arm.  
“No. I’m not going to miss his wedding. I can do this without pulling any of the attention away from the happy couple.” He nodded defiantly.  
Marius and Courfeyrac walked in front of them, taking their spots at the end of the aisle. Enjolras gave the shaking romantic a supportive smile as the music started up. Marius didn’t need it. As soon as Cosette appeared he was more than fine. Enjolras glanced at Cosette, she did look beautiful, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Marius. He had seen that look a thousand times, one of pure love and adoration, one where at that moment he saw nothing else but the person he loved.  
He was unbelievably happy that Marius and Cosette shared that feeling, that they were finally getting married, but a dull ache grew in his chest as he watched them smiling at each other. Reciting vows of eternal love and bashfully kissing when pronounced husband and wife.  
At the reception he watched them dance. Well sway. Marius had two left feet but it was adorable, they were so wrapped up in each other everyone else could have left and they would still be blissfully happy. Enjolras took the opportunity to sneak outside, removing his jacket and loosening his tie breathing a deep breath of the cool night air.  
“How you holding up?” Bahorel asked him as he stood on his cigarette stump.  
“Okay. I’m okay.” He was much better now he felt he could breath properly.  
“I feel bad for him. I mean he’s the happiest I’ve ever seen him but we all know it’s not the same. Grantaire just knew how to loosen everyone up and get a party going, even after he stopped drinking.” Bahorel smiled sadly.  
“He’s happy, that’s all that matters.”  
“I’m going back inside, you coming?” Enjolras shook his head; he just wanted a moment alone to pull himself together. He had got so wound up earlier Joly was sure he would end up collapsing or something else equally dramatic.  
Closing his eyes he leant against the cool wall, feeling himself relax as he spun the silver band around his finger.  
“You need some time alone too?” Someone asked as they appeared beside him. Opening his eyes quickly he saw the man from the church standing too close.  
“Just wanted some fresh air. I shall leave you for your alone time.” He smiled heading back inside.  
“I don’t mind spending alone time with you.” The other man placed a hand on his arm stopping him.  
“Oh thank you but I’m already taken. It was nice to meet you though.” Enjolras pulled his arm away gently, he didn’t want to be aggressive, there was no need for that here.  
“Then why did you flirt with me before?” He raised his eyebrow smirking a little.  
“I smiled at you, I wasn’t flirting I was being polite.” The blonde crossed his arms looking the brunette up and down. He was handsome, but wasn’t a patch on Grantaire. His hair was too short, you could never run your fingers through it and he looked too muscly. Grantaire was that nice mix of not too muscular so he always felt soft, never harsh or over bearing.  
“You just checked me out.” He grinned. “Besides, if you’re taken where is he?”  
“He’s-uh- well, not here.” Enjolras stammered. He wasn’t about to admit where Grantaire really was.  
“So what’s the harm in a bit of fun?” The man wrapped his arms around Enjolras gently, pulling him close.  
“That’s called cheating and I believe that’s harmful.” He pushed the taller man away only to be pulled back into a rough kiss. It was awful, he tasted of cigarettes but they were bitter, Grantaire somehow made it sweet, almost like honey. With all his strength he pushed the man away one last time landing a punch square on his jaw. “I said no.” He practically spat before storming inside.  
“Are you okay?” Joly looked at him supiciously, the blondes face like thunder.  
“I may have just punched someone.” A slight laugh escaped him as he shook his hand, the adrenaline wearing off making him realise that had hurt quite a bit.  
“What! Why?” Joly pulled up his hand checking it over before wrapping some ice in a napkin and holding it on Enjolras’ knuckles.  
“He kissed me after I’d said no, multiple times.” Enjolras knew he should feel bad, but it had felt really good.  
“Then it serves him right.” Joly smiled sitting him down at their table and watching as Courfeyrac tapped his glass to start the speeches. He told the tales of how he’d met Marius. How he and Grantaire had got him spectaculary drunk within the first week of college and found him in the morning with an inflatable ring stuck around his waist, his socks on his hands and half his red hair dyed black. What the dye was they never found out. Marius proceeded to turn the colour of his hair as Cosette smiled lovingly at him.  
Finally, after Mayor Madeleine and Cosette had made their extremely sweet speeches Marius stood, pulling out a piece of tattered paper his hands visibly shaking.  
“Um- so you’ve already been thanked for coming but I’ll say it again. It’s so lovely of everyone to be here and to share this with us. Especially Enjolras, we have admired your strength over the past few months and are honored that you still came to support us. I know we’ve had some heated arguments but I really do consider you one of my closest friends.” He smiled tucking away his paper. “Everyone knows how much I love Cosette. In fact I’m pretty sure you’re all bored of hearing it by now so instead I- we want to make a toast to Grantaire. Today just hasn’t been the same without him and to be honest today wouldn’t have happened without him. So raise a glass to our cynic who made true love happen. To Grantaire.” Everyone joined in the toast, raising their glasses while Enjolras and Jehan struggled to hold back their tears. ‘So I guess in his honor we should make this a party.” Marius smiled nodding to the band to start playing their most upbeat tune.  
As everyone started dancing Enjolras watched Mayor Madeleine hobble over to him.  
“I wondered if we could talk business for a moment. I know it’s a terrible thing to do at a wedding, especially when it’s my own daughter, but I have a proposition I hope you’ll agree to.” He sat down, moving his chair so he was facing Enjolras straight on.  
“Of course sir, what do you have in mind?”  
“As you know this year marks my last term in office and I don’t intend to run again. I want to help you run your own campaign. You are my most trustworthy employee, you always have the best interests of the people at heart and seeing how much your friends respect you tonight and how strong you have been has settled the deal for me.” He smiled looking at the speechless blonde expectantly.  
“But sir, I’m not even thirty yet and what about your deputy?”  
“I don’t trust him the way I trust you. He will cover things over to try and please me, while you tell me the truth and get things sorted. The city needs someone that confronts problems head on, rather than trying to cover them up, don’t you think? And your age won’t be a problem. You know more than I do Enjolras and I will be there to dismiss any rumours of you being too young for the job. I believe in you.”  
For a split second Enjolras thought he heard Grantaire say those final words, he never used to believe in signs or any of that supersticious rubbish, but since he had lost the love of his life more and more things were happening to make him believe there might be some truth in the stories. This was one of those things.  
“Okay! It would be an absolute honor. I’ll do it.” He beamed. Was this actually happening? Was he running to be mayor of New York City at twenty-six?  
“Fantastic.” Mayor Madeleine smiled shaking Enjolras’ hand excitedly. “Take the weekend off, I don’t want to hear you’ve been in the office. Then first thing Monday morning we will start brainstorming your campaign. There is a lot to do but we have plenty of time so no trying to get a headstart this weekend. Okay?” As Enjolras nodded he felt his work was done. “Now if you will excuse me I am going to embarrass my daughter with some dad dancing.” Squeezing Enjolras’ shoulder he left to the dancefloor, even the blonde cringed at his dance moves and he was no better.  
Combeferre sat next to him completely out of breath taking a swig of his champagne to cool off.  
“I don’t know where he gets his energy from but I can not keep up.” He smiled watching Courfeyrac as he continued around the dance floor.  
“The five glasses of champagne might be helping.” Enjolras laughed in response.  
“Good point. Is everything okay? You looked to be having quite the serious conversation before and I hear you punched a guy?” Combeferre studied his friend who turned with the biggest grin on his face.  
“Yeah, he didn’t seem to understand what no meant but that doesn’t matter anymore… I’m running for mayor. Isn’t that crazy? I’m far too young there’s no way anyone will actually vote for me.” He hadn’t had time to process it yet and saying it out loud just sounded strange, and completely unrealistic.  
“Okay first, nice one and second. Enjolras that’s fantastic! Of course people will vote for you, you’re already known around the city as the one whose been making all the changes. People talk about you. They support you. As do I.” Combeferre was practically bursting with pride as he pulled his chief into a tight hug. “You do realise this will make you the youngest ever mayor of the city?”  
“If I win. There are no guarentees.” He bit his lip nervously. He had been at the mayor’s office for less than a year, he didn’t even have an official title and yet here he was about to start a campaign to become mayor. He was having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea and was sure the people would too. A twenty-six year old nobody comes out of nowhere expecting to follow the lead of one of the greatest mayors the city has ever seen. It was madness.  
“Stop over analysing. Stop putting yourself down, just stop. If Mayor Madeleine has faith in you the people will. Like I said, you already have a reputation and it’s a good one. Everyone at the hospital knows who you are and all the good that you do, Joly can vouch for that.” Combeferre smiled pushing a glass of champagne toward the blonde. “Now relax and come dance with us, we need someone to make Bossuet feel better about his moves.” He smiled cheekily receiving a smack on the arm.  
“I’m not that bad.” Enjolras almost pouted in response before joining his friends on the dance floor. They were interrupted when the brunette from outside confronted their chief attempting to hit back. What he hadn’t anticipated was Enjolras being pushed behind his group of friends, fronted by the bride herself.  
“If you dare start anything at my wedding I will serve your parts on that silver platter do you understand me?” She glared up at him receiving a timid nod in response. “Good. Now kindly leave and consider our friendship over. I do not associate with people who can't understand a simple no.” Crossing her arms she continued to glare as he sheepishly left the room before turning and throwing her arms around Enjolras. “I am so sorry he caused you trouble.”  
“It’s not your fault and what you just did was amazing. Thank you.” He hugged back unable to believe this was the girl he’d once seen simply as a political tool. He now considered her one of his closest friends and had never been more thankful to have her in his life.  
For the rest of the night the group stayed together. Enjolras spent it attempting to move in a somewhat rhythmic fashion, while the better dancers of the group recreated some of Grantaires best moves. They didn’t quite get there, but it made them laugh until they couldn’t breath and they could almost believe he were there with them, laughing along at their horrible attempts.


	21. Ideals

The church bells chimed three times alerting Enjolras to the fact he had been talking to Grantaire’s headstone for a full hour now. He sighed stopping his excited pacing and sitting down. He was exhausted, the first week of planning his campaign had been a whirlwind experience that had kept him up until the early hours of the morning only to be woken by his alarm a couple of hours later to do it all again. He’d spent most of Saturday in bed, reading over different books and reports or anything to help him really solidify his stand point and yet today he was restless, full of excited energy at what the future could hold that just wouldn’t let him rest. He placed a gentle hand on the headstone.  
“I still need you Grantaire. More than ever.” He laughed running a shaky hand through his hair. “All those times I was angry with you for pointing out the holes in my schemes, I’ve come to rely on it. You were realistic, you knew exactly what I wanted and knew what I needed to improve to get it. I don’t have anyone like you in my team… god I sound like I’m offering you a job.” He shook his head smiling. “Seriously though, come and work for me. I need you… we could always have an office romance. I seem to remember you mentioning sex on a desk was one of the things on your bucket list.” His smile faded. “I guess I waited too long to get that desk. God this is so hard Grantaire. I’m happy but I feel bad about it, how can I be happy when you’re not beside me? I thought the ache would ease off after a while but with every day that passes I miss you more. I worry that I’ll forget you. Combeferre tells me thats not possible when I listen to your message at least twice a day. I guess he’s right… I just want you beside me so badly.”   
Composing himself he stood up looking around and spotting someone hiding behind one of the trees, his camera trained onto Enjolras. The blonde sighed.  
“It looks like these sessions are going to have to stop now. Or at least not consist of me rambling nonsensically to you for hours. Can’t have a potential mayor looking like a crazy person… I love you Grantaire.” Walking away he saw the photographer follow him and hailed a cab before the man could get any more pictures. He couldn’t belive he was getting this sort of attention already; his campaign hadn’t even gone public yet. In fact, it was simply a rumour at the moment. Mayor Madeleine wanted to announce the news once they had a solid idea of what he stood for. Currently they only had ideas.  
Sitting in his appartment he took the pills Joly had prescribed him, just to make sure he didn’t wear himself out, as they all knew that was a possibility when Enjolras got too involved in work. Turning on the radio he pulled out some of his papers, freezing as an old Silverchair song came on. 

 

“I have never seen an examiner go so quite so fast.” Combeferre laughed walking down the hallway to Enjolras and Grantaire’s apartment.  
“She shouldn’t have tried to out debate a class full of political students then.” Enjolras grinned.  
“Except the students didn’t get a word in, it was all you. I think I saw Professor Mabeuf fall in love with you all over again. I had forgotten how scary you can get, medical students are so dosile.”   
“How’s the masters going?” Enjolras asked pulling out his keys.  
“Good, first year is finished! I handed in my final essay before coming to meet you so I now officially have the summer off, sort of. I need to get started on next years work and figure out where my residency will be so actually I don’t have much time off really.” Combeferre laughed as they walked into the apartment, Silverchair was blasting from the radio so Grantaire must be painting. Walking into the lounge he saw paint splashed across the floor with Grantaire lay next to his easle.  
“Oh god Grantaire!” Enjolras ran over to him pulling the brunettes’ head into his lap. “Grantaire can you hear me?” He brushed back some curls his panic fading as Grantaire opened his eyes slightly.  
“Hey handsome, what’s wrong?” He slurred looking up at the blonde.  
“What’s wrong? Grantaire you’re on the floor, you weren’t conscious. What happened? Are you okay?” Enjolras tried to contain his worry but it was plastered all over his face.  
“Oh nothing everything just went a little fuzzy. I’m fine, don’t worry your pretty little head.” He sat up slowly wincing as he did so.  
“I’m going to check you over, no argueing.” Combeferre came forward, helping Grantaire onto the sofa before giving him the once over. “You seem okay, but I think we should get you checked by an actual doctor. Just to be safe.” Enjolras nodded in agreement.  
“No I’m fine. There is no need to see any doctors, you said I’m okay.”   
“Grantaire you collapsed, healthy people don’t do that.” Enjolras bit his lip, taking his loves hand and holding it tightly.  
“But I’m not healthy! Everyone knows that.” He smiled slyly getting a slight scowl from the blonde.  
“You know what I mean. Stop being so pedantic.” Nudging Grantaire gently he sighed. “Please, just so my mind will be at ease.” He looked up at the brunette, his blue eyes full of worry making him crumble.  
“If I didn’t love you so much I’d hate you. Fine! I need to grow a backbone around you.” His co-operation earned him a kiss and he wrapped his arms tightly around his love pulling him close until the room started to swirl again.   
“What’s wrong?” Enjolras paniked.  
“Nothing, you just literally made my head spin.” He smiled cheekily, placing a kiss on his cheek.   
“You’re sickening.” Combeferre joked. “Now come on, before Enjolras can do anymore damage.” He smiled taking Grantaires arm and slinging it over his shoulder as the three of them headed to the doctors.

 

Switching off the radio Enjolras sighed; it wasn’t the worst thing his memory had thrown at him. It was the first time they had realised Grantaire was getting worse, the beginning of the end. He laughed shakily at his dramatic inner monologue before pulling out his scrapbook, the edges were already getting worn down and he turned each page as if it were the most delicate thing on the planet. He studied each page, even though he knew every single line by now, it calmed him. Seeing their happy faces, the love that Grantaire had poured into it made him feel better.   
Stopping on their graduation page he looked at the photo, all eleven of them stood in a row beaming at the photographer, some of them in their gowns, the silly tassles of the mortar boards falling around their faces, some just dressed up supporting their friends having looked equally as silly the year before, or yet to endure the horror of an all black outfit in the middle of summer. It was the only photo of the entire group and Enjolras considered it one of his most treasured possessions, especially as the rest of the page was filled with a drawing of Grantaire and Enjolras up close, every detail of their blissful smiles replicated perfectly with artful brush strokes.   
Looking at himself he remembered his passion, the belief he had in the changes he would make. He was terribly naïve and yet his ideals were so much simpler. Placing the book next to his papers he pulled out his campaign notes and started to write quickly before he lost this spark.   
When he had graduated it had been all about the people, fighting for those who weren’t able to fight for themselves. Why had that changed? His campaign would go back to his roots; it would focus on helping the less fortunate of the city and cutting back on luxuries to make this happen. He knew the people higher up would hate his strategy, but he hoped Mayor Madeleine would support it and that the people who actually voted would too. Besides, if he didn’t stay true to himself and his beliefs he would never be able to look in the mirror without seeing the people he dispised looking back, and he was pretty sure when he finally saw Grantaire again he wouldn’t be too happy with him either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me while I fangirl for a moment, xTheHarlequinDevilx made this: http://xthdx.tumblr.com/post/49036011780/what-am-i-supposed-to-do-when-the-best-part-of-me  
> which is so incredible and I am so very thankful!  
> You guys seriously are the best, you put the biggest smile on my face xxx


	22. Counting the Votes

Enjolras sat tapping his fingers on the plastic chair. How long had it been now? He had always considered himself a rational man, not one to jump to conclusions, as he would take the time to consider every option available. But sat with nothing to distract him but the sparse white walls his mind began to play tricks. What would start as a simple worry soon became the end of the world, and he thought he might go crazy if things took much longer. Was this how Grantaire had felt waiting for news about him? No wonder he had looked so frazzled, this sort of waiting could be described as nothing short of torture.  
As the door opened his eyes flew to the doctor who simply asked if he wanted to come in for the results. In seconds he was at Grantaire’s side, holding his hand tightly as if he might disappear at any second.  
“Hey handsome. Don’t look so worried.” The brunette smiled, kissing his hand softly.  
“I love you.” Was all Enjolras could manage to reply with. Before he had a chance to try and think of anything else the doctor began to speak.  
“We have your results back.” He took a deep breath looking away from the clipboard in his hand. Panic flooded the blonde; this was never a good sign when the doctor looked hesitant. “I regret to inform you your t-cell count has dropped quite dramatically. It is now below 200, which means your HIV has progressed into AIDS. I will give you some privacy before discussing treatment.” Giving them a sympathetic nod he left the couple in silence.  
Enjolras turned to Grantaire who was still staring at the space the doctor had previously inhabited. His eyes were vacant, his face void of anything.  
“Grantaire?” He whispered giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “Talk to me?”  
The brunette turned to him, his brow creasing. “I don’t want to die.” He breathed squeezing back before a tear rolled down his cheek and suddenly he couldn’t stop them; the reality of it all hitting him like a ton of bricks. This was it now.  
Enjolras didn’t know what to do, if he was being honest there was nothing he could do except pull Grantaire close and hold him. He didn’t want to watch the man he loved die, there was still so much for them to do. Even if the brunette didn’t believe him he had an entire life waiting for him. He so desperately wanted to be strong but couldn’t stop the silent tears that fell as he held Grantaire tight.

Twisting his hands together impatiently Enjolras did everything he could to try and calm himself. He heard footsteps coming towards him and on seeing the white doctors coat closed his eyes tightly, taking a deep, shaky breath.  
“Are you okay?” Combeferre sat next to him squeezing his arm supportively. “I didn’t mean to take so long, we’re swamped I couldn’t get away.” He explained, hoping he hadn’t caused his friend some sort of mental breakdown.  
“I’m fine, it’s fine.” Enjolras replied, calming at his friends’ words. “You can stay here if you want.”   
“Are you crazy? I am not leaving you alone on election night! Besides, everyone will be there I don’t want to be the odd one out.” He smiled grabbing his bag. “Now come on, you can’t be late for your own party and we need to stop for food first!”  
As they walked towards the Empire Hotel Enjolras began to feel the first wave of nerves. Mayor Madeleine had persuaded him to take a couple of hours to himself, collect his thoughts and nerves before the announcement that night. Combeferre knew his friend would not relax and so suggested he come to the hospital to meet him out of work and grab a bite to eat before the party. It actually turned out to be less of a suggestion and more of a command when the guide realised Enjolras probably won’t have eaten anything.  
Taking a seat Enjolras confirmed his friend’s suspicions ordering a coffee and nothing else. Combeferre smiled ordering for the both of them.  
“You need to eat something Enjolras. I know you’re nervous but you can’t ignore your health.” He said softly.  
“I know.” Enjolras sighed. “My stomach feels like it’s in knots.” He admitted.  
“If it wasn’t I’d be worried. Tonight is huge but even if you don’t get elected I’m so proud of you. We were seriously worried about you for a while and yet look how far you’ve come. You are a front runner to become the next Mayor of our city and I consider myself very lucky to be able to call you my closest friend.” Picking at his napkin he gave Enjolras a small smile. “I know we don’t do big proclamations of our feelings but I needed to say that. Enjolras I really am insanely proud of you.”  
A deep blush covered Enjolras’ cheeks. “Oh Combeferre.” He sighed affectionately. “Seeing as we are here I might as well speak of feelings as well. I would never have got through this without you, without all of you. I don’t think I have ever really thanked you properly but I will, I promise you that.”  
“There is no need. You would have done just as much for any of us.” Combeferre clarified as their food arrived. “Okay enough of the emotions, we need to get you more excited and less nervous.”

They had been campaigning none stop for months. Enjolras had lost track of the amount of appearences he had done, interviews, speeches, and endless amounts of talking about the things he believed in and why he would be a great mayor for the city. He had been surprised at the response he had got; it was hugely supportive, from the people especially. They had heard about him when he was simply a student protester and knowing that he had held these beliefs for a long time made him seem authentic. As if the changes he wanted to make could happen, unlike many politicians who make grand claims simply to win the votes.  
Despite this the wealthy residents had grown to despise him and Enjolras wasn’t foolish enough to dismiss the fact they could cost him the election. Even so he refused to change his policies for them, always saying if he was going to become mayor he would do it supporting the causes he cared for. Not making the rich man happy.  
When the pair finally arrived at the party the whole group was there, grinning at him excitedly as his campaign team buzzed about them, keeping everyone updated on the current polls and news.  
Everything seemed a blur to Enjolras, he had no idea how he was leading so many people when his brain was all jumbled but somehow he was giving them coherent instructions and they were following them without any questions. Something must have gone into autopilot and before he knew it the final polls were in.  
“Are your ready?” Mayor Madeleine asked with a smile.  
“As I’ll ever be.” He replied twisting the silver band around his finger.  
Watching the screens everyone seemed to hold their breath, the final two candiates appeared on the screen and their numbers were tallied up.  
A deafening scream erupted around the room as Enjolras’ name was announced. Arms flung around him and cheers of congratulations yelled in his direction, all he could do was stand in a shoked silence.  
He was Mayor of New York City.  
Running a shaky hand through his hair Enjolras excused himself and ducked into a deserted room letting his head fall into his hands. He was happy. Hell, he was estatic! At twenty-six he had been nominated as the mayor and he could do so much with that, help so many people, it was more than he could have dreamed of. But the hole grew, his first instinct, even just under a year later was to turn and throw his arms around Grantaire, to look for his reaction but he still wasn’t there.  
“I miss you.” He whispered playing with the ring.  
“You’re missing one hell of a party.” Courfeyrac informed him leaning on the doorframe. Enjolras jumped looking at him.  
“How long have you been there?”  
“Like a minute? Figured you needed some space before anyone came and annoyed you.” He smiled walking towards the blonde. “So you know when I inevitably get arrested for something…” He grinned causing Enjolras to laugh.  
“Ah I’m not making any exceptions Courf.” He teased nudging the brunette.  
“Damn, was worth a shot. I guess I should say congratulations or something?” Courfeyrac gave him a sincere smile placing a supportive hand on the blondes arm.  
“Thanks.”  
“You know Grantaire would be very disappointed with you for missing your own party. Unless you had snuck off for a quick…” He winked. “Then I’m sure he’d be just fine with it!”  
“I’d hope he’d be more than fine!” Enjolras laughed before turning to the brunette sincerely. “Thank you Courf.” He placed his hand onto the other mans.  
“Don’t get all soppy on me now Mr. Mayor.” He squeezed Enjolras’ hand. “But anytime, I’m always here if you need me for anything. You know I’ve always liked the idea of sex on a desk.” Seeing Enjolras pale made him panic. “I’m joking! Well I mean I do like the idea but not with you… not that I wouldn’t- it’s just…”  
Enjolras laughed while Courfeyrac dug himself into a hole. “Calm down Courf it’s fine. It’s just that was one of Grantaires things too. That’s all, but if I ever find out you and Combeferre have done anything on my desk…”  
“You’ll what Mr. Mayor.” Courfeyrac grinned. “You have to be a good boy now!”  
“I think the people will understand if I kick your ass.” Enjolras smiled in response. “After all, they need someone who doesn’t take any rubbish from horny brunettes!”  
“That’s a very specific example.” Courfeyrac teased, happy to see Enjolras relaxed and actually laughing. Everyone was in such high spirits he just knew tonight was going to be amazing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh okay so I am ridiculously sorry this took so long. I have had some serious writers block along with a bit of a breakdown in my personal life with everything going wrong and yeah. I'm not abandoning the story I have a ton of ideas it's just getting them written that seems to be the problem! So I will keep updating, it just might not be as often. Sorry!! xxx


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